Caring for Yourself During Times of Transition

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer 

September is a month of transition for many. It marks the beginning of the seasonal change from summer to autumn. Students return to school and the long dog days of summer slowly slip away. This transitional time can stir up emotions as adjustments are made and prompt anxiety, fear and worry.

September also marks an important mental health related date, World Suicide Prevention Day, on the 10th of the month. Though not widely known, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness including depression. This is a result of the frequency of suicide and of life-threatening medical complications among those with eating disorders. (Evidence, University of Calgary’s Dr.  April S. Elliott, as cited in LeBlanc, 2014).

So, for this month’s blog, it seemed appropriate to share some tips on how to cope with the stress that often comes with change and transition. In my experience, the voice of the eating disorder also often gets louder during these times. Here are some simple strategies that have helped me in the past:

1)    Increase your self-care activities.

Often, when we’re feeling out of sorts, anxious, or stressed, it can feel like life is spiralling out of control. The eating disorder hates losing control and thus unhealthy behaviours or coping mechanisms can start to seem more appealing. This is why it’s so important to try to increase your self-care activities and thereby set yourself up with better options during times of transition. This could include: taking warm showers or baths, having early nights, going for nature walks, spending time with pets, getting your nails done, treating yourself to something you’ve wanted for a while, or taking a personal day off from work or school.

2)    Surround yourself with a strong support network.

In stressful times it’s more important than ever to make sure you’re not isolating yourself or hiding your pain from others. Reach out to trusted people in your life, whether this is a therapist or counsellor, family members, friends, your faith community or your partner. There are also free, confidential hotlines and crisis services that you can access. (Please see below for more information about these).

3)    Always keep in mind, this too shall pass.

Just like the seasons, feelings come and go. Often when certain feelings or circumstances have felt unbearable to me I remind myself, this too shall pass. The only things we can count on in life are impermanence and change, and this simple saying can be a comforting reminder that cloudy days are often followed by sunny, bright ones.

Whether the beginning of fall excites you or challenges you, these 3 strategies may provide some additional comfort. Most of all, always remember that if you are ever struggling there are resources available to provide support. You are not alone.

Sending you love and wishing you a serene and happy September.

Benazir

●      Calgary’s 24-hour crisis support line is 403-266-4357.

●      The NEDIC helpline, 1-866-NEDIC-20, is open from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m., Monday to Thursday and Friday from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. (EST).

●      NEDIC’s instant chat, at https://nedic.ca/, is available from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m., Monday to Thursday and Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. (EST).

●      By texting “COVID19HOPE” to 393939, you can subscribe to receive daily text messages with advice and encouragement regarding healthy personal coping skills and resiliency. This service is provided by Alberta Health Services, https://www.albertahealthservices.ca/topics/Page17019.aspx

●      Silver Linings’ Clinical Advisors recommend the following Apps, Recovery Record (Free; iOS and Android), Rise Up and Recover (Free; iOS and Android) and Lifesum (Free; iOS and Android).

●      For live meal support, via Instagram, please check out: https://www.instagram.com/covid19eatingsupport/ 

●      For a comprehensive eating disorders resource, please check out this website - https://eatingdisorders.info/ - that we and our community partner, EDSNA, developed in consultation with Alberta Health Services. 

●      The federal First Nations and Inuit Hope for Wellness Help Line at 1-855-242-3310 is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Clients can also access an online chat at Hope for Wellness.

August Blog: Powerful

By Guest Writer, Alexandra Zannis, RSW.

I used to dance 7 days a week.

Cracked feet, trembling knees, alarms I begged my parents to let me snooze through, a second home that was the studio. Like any athlete, you become more or less obsessed with the task at hand, whether it is improving your running time or being able to do a triple pirouette flawlessly. Your world is sometimes narrow and all-consuming, fixated on the given milestone you are set to achieve. 

For me, my story begins at Friday ballet class. One day every week that felt like a blessing – a 90-minute class after school, followed by freedom until Saturday afternoon. Friday night was my only time off all week, as I was up on Sunday morning for 7 straight hours of rehearsal. Friday ballet was forgiving after a week of relentless training. Friday ballet was a reprieve. 

It was also where I learned about the deeply rooted disordered eating that is rampant in the dance community. It was a time where we could be more open with one another, where we felt honest and strong and whole. This class was an hour and a half of ballet that was always more about how we felt after a long week than how we looked.

I didn’t know I had disordered eating at the time. Like everyone I knew, I believed that the way I thought about and consumed food was normal. The conversations surrounding weight loss were almost constant and the hours spent analyzing every move your body makes in a mirror were, more often than not, excruciating. Some days it took everything I had just to put on my bodysuit and tights and walk out into that unforgiving studio. I’d look in the mirror and feel powerless to those aching feelings of imperfection. I didn’t “like” myself, or maybe more accurately, I didn’t like my reflection in the mirror.

Fast forward 10 years and I am now a Social Worker living in Ottawa. I have what I often consider to be a breathtaking life. And when I moved to Ottawa, running became my saving grace. 

I stopped dancing after high school from an injured body and couldn’t really forgive myself until I found my groove with running. Running, coupled with a more holistic health routine. As a social worker, my days are spent analyzing the worst-case scenario. The single mother with a sick child who can’t afford rent, the man wrongly accused and sentenced to prison, the child searching for a place to call home. I became entranced with the human psyche. I needed to know, to whatever extent possible, why humans acted the way they did.  Running became a refuge, a time alone to process my experiences and the weight of it all. My life transformed, even more, when I started to appreciate my body for what it could do rather than loathe myself for what it couldn’t. 

When I started my Social Work education, I was enlightened to the fact that no Social Worker on the planet is allowed to go through the process of analyzing someone else without first analyzing themselves. To do my work, I had to perform an agonizing but necessary deep dive into the darkest parts of myself. What I would later refer to as an inquiry into my social conventions. I reflected on questions that would reshape the way I view myself and the world around me - How and why did I act and react to my surroundings the way I did?

A lot of my re-learning came from that Friday ballet class. Looking back years later that specific class felt like home for many, a quasi-sanctuary from the structured weekly classes that would beg more from us than we could ever produce. Friday ballet allowed us to just be, with the music gently flowing through our aching bodies. 

There was a culture in ballet that we couldn’t talk about openly. Where there were dark shadows surrounding food and weight, and none that dared to shine a light on the relentless battle with self-worth that followed. We all wanted perfection and spent countless hours staring at our bodies wrapped in tight clothing trying our hardest to emulate our version of it. We were told on repeat that even if we did something perfectly, there was room for improvement. You could always jump higher, turn out more, or reach farther: “Alexandra, you must watch yourself in the mirror but don’t let it look like you are watching yourself.” 

I don’t look at myself in mirrors now when I exercise, I know how my body moves. It is presumably why I am so consumed by running, as yoga or exercise at the gym makes me fixate on my movements. I revel in the liberating choice of pushing my body for a feeling rather than for appearance.
I worked hard to rewrite the story I had created about my body, but the path ahead still feels cumbersome. How do you unlearn those foundational lessons that shaped how you view yourself in the world? I hated my body for what it looked like in the mirror, not for its capabilities. 

On a recent run, I asked myself, “What would you say to that young dancer who scrutinized herself in the mirror? What short, one-sentence wisdom, would you impart on her if ever given the chance”? I barely finished the question in my head before I was ready to answer - I knew in my body what I would say to her and it rang through me every stride I took for the rest of the run. 

I would tell her “Don’t fill your head with thoughts about being thin, instead, fill it with thoughts of being powerful.”

I finished my run, pulled my headphones out and started to cry. The built-up emotion filled me, and I could do nothing but sit in the sweat and pain and tears of remembering who I was before I was told who I ‘needed to be.’. 

Powerful. What might my life have looked like had I promised myself not to be smaller, but powerful?
I guess now all there is left to do is find out. 

Alexandra Zannis is the Social Policy and Communications Coordinator at the Canadian Association of Social Workers in Ottawa, ON.

5 Steps to Your Best Summer with Your Body

By Silver Linings volunteer, Benazir Radmanesh 

Ahhh, the amazing feeling of the summer heat after a long, cold winter spent bundled up under layers of clothing. As the temperature rises, however, so does the pressure to shed those layers of clothing. And along with those lost layers comes the misguided societal pressure to shed some pounds. With fitness and diet culture bombarding us with messages of “bikini-body quick fixes,” I’d like to share 5 tips for tuning out the noise that you’re not good enough just as you are and tuning in to inner peace and acceptance of your body.

1)    Write a gratitude letter to your body.

So many of us only think about our bodies when we’re criticizing ourselves. We focus on all of the parts that we don’t like, completely ignoring all of the amazing, important things our bodies do for us. Take a quiet moment to write a list of at least 10 things that you’re grateful for about your body. Examples could be the ability to see beautiful sunsets, to listen to your favourite music, to touch the soft fur of a new puppy, to take in the delicious aroma of fresh roses.

2)    Go on a cleanse...a social media cleanse.

It’s hard not to be bombarded at least once a day with “fitspo” images--pictures of people’s workouts, meals, bodies, etc. Consciously note the content that fills your social media feeds. Is it making you feel better or worse about yourself? Does it inspire you or simply give you an unrealistic standard to compare yourself to? Instead of following fitness models or celebrities, perhaps choose to follow body positivity accounts, cute animal pages, or just the friends and family members who you really care about. Take a social media detox to clear your mind of “compare & despair” clutter!

3)    Focus on comfort.

When I was in the early stages of recovery, it was very important for me to dress in clothes that made me feel comfortable. For a while, that meant letting go of clothing that I was using to define myself and to punish myself with. Choose to wear comfy clothing and fabrics that make you feel good instead of self-conscious. If you’re wearing clothes that make you focus more on your body than on what you’re doing while wearing them, this should be a “red flag” to change into something in which you feel more at ease.

4)    Spend time in nature.

Summertime means long days, blue skies, sunshine and green spaces! Try to spend more time outside enjoying nature’s beauty. A walk by the river, a bike ride in the park, a hike in the mountains: all of these are opportunities to focus on something outside of yourself. Noticing the inspiring beauty of the natural world helps us appreciate the bigger picture of life outside of our bodies.

5)    Practice self-love and self-care.

Find ways to do loving things for yourself and for your body. Give yourself a nice pedicure. Watch a funny movie. Catch yourself in negative self-talk and replace these thoughts with something positive. Make positive affirmations part of your daily ritual. The kinder you are to yourself the harder it will be to dislike your body.

Remember: you are more than your body. Your body is an incredible tool that allows you to move through the amazing world around you. Surround yourself with people who love you as you are and remember to say “thank you” to your body each day. And most of all, enjoy your summer!

Gratitude, Moment by Moment

By Guest Blogger, Sonja F. 

“My past relationship with my eating disorder (ED) is one that I’m grateful to have.” This is something that I never thought I would say, as living with bulimia for 15 years was extremely painful. When I used to hear others in recovery say that they were grateful to have lived with an eating disorder, I thought it was absurd! I so badly wanted to be healed of my ED, which I experienced as a helpless void and endless cycle of pain. Yet recovery from bulimia has given me a new outlook and an emotional skill set to help me navigate my world. 

This month marks two years since my last binge and purge. That day, like the rest of my “bad days,” was just an average day. My ED was my “normal”- it evolved beyond negative feelings and eventually started to attack my positive feelings as well. Even feelings of joy would trigger me to binge and purge. Towards the end of my struggle, insignificant activities such as getting out of bed and planning my day would trigger my ED. I lived in constant fear, always having the helpless feeling that recovery wasn’t possible. I believed that my ED was going to be part of my life forever. 

As I write this, it’s tempting to only write about the suffering: How my ED morphed over the years--the regrets, the lying, the physical pain, the planning, and the endless broken promises that tomorrow would be different. However, anyone who has experienced an eating disorder knows these feelings. This is a fact that, in and of itself, shows some of the “beauty” of living through an ED. A community is formed among those who understand what it’s like. Through the power of communication, love, acceptance and understanding, we gain the strength to recover. Not only for ourselves but also to be able to help others who are struggling.

I wouldn’t be celebrating this two-year milestone had it not been for my eating disorder recovery fellowship. This community of support includes various groups. I spoke with a counsellor who specializes in disordered eating. I attended anonymous group meetings with others who had addiction issues. I spoke openly and honestly with trusted friends and family members. I journaled my fears, feelings and anxieties. And I practiced yoga and meditation to slow life down a bit (This really helped!). 
When I had my first abstinent meal - without binging or purging - I didn’t know how I would sustain this long term. I don’t work well with setting goals and internal promises like “I won’t binge today or this week” were not helpful. Instead, I had to slow recovery down by taking it minute by minute. By remaining as present as possible I found my manageability. Two years later, I still take recovery moment by moment because really, the only thing I have is this moment. Thinking too much about the future or the past is a trigger for me, and while my triggers hardly have a voice anymore, I respect that from time to time they still exist. 

Respect is a quality I’ve learned since finding recovery. I respect that the voice of my ED might always be with me and that’s okay because I’m not scared of it anymore. I can now finally laugh at the little voice that pops up, trying to tell me that I’m fat. Rather than rationalize or give in, I can acknowledge its presence and then do something loving for myself instead. An example of this might be going for a walk without distraction, looking at trees, houses, animals or simply observing the plethora of life in the neighbourhood that I call home. I also go to yoga, not for the exercise, but because it connects me with my breath. Breath practise helps me feel present and connected to the spiritual forces that love and protect me. Some days I skip exercise altogether without guilt. Also, now that I am recovered, I am able to allow myself a snack--not as a punishment or reward--but because my body craves it and knows it will be enjoyable. After the snack is finished, I can effortlessly move on. To most this may seem like a small act, but it gives me an overwhelming feeling of joy because for so long I yearned for this simple pleasure.

And that brings me back to why I now have gratitude for having suffered from bulimia for 15 years after initially thinking that it was absurd for anyone to be grateful for such an illness. Through recovery, I have been blessed with being able to experience joy in eating and finishing a meal. I have gratitude for a resilient body that has stood by me even when I put it through turmoil. I have gratitude for the power of recovery and the daily joy I feel for being able to take it one abstinent minute at a time. But perhaps the aspect that I love the most about my recovery from bulimia is the instant connection and understanding that I have with those who have also suffered from either an eating disorder, insecurity, depression, or anxiety. I love listening to others’ stories. And, it's important to me that I share my own story of strength and hope. 

Recovery is possible. It is a beautiful feeling that only gets better, one abstinent minute at a time.

Nourishing Yourself Through Challenging Times

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer

Nourish:

1: To nurture.

2: To promote the growth of.

3a: To furnish or sustain with nutrients.

b: To maintain, support.Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

No matter who we are or where we are in the world, we have all been impacted by the global pandemic of COVID-19. My Silver Linings co-blogger, Sophie Balisky, has been writing an inspirational series of blogs regarding eating disorders and COVID-19. They cover themes such as control, temptations, triggers and support systems throughout isolation. You can read them here. In today’s blog post, I am also taking the opportunity to share some of my perspectives.

A major component for many people living with an eating disorder is the element of control. By controlling when and what we eat, how and how much we exercise and what our bodies weigh. the (distorted) thinking is that we are also gaining control over other aspects of our lives. For many, times of instability, frightening change, or destabilization, will trigger an even greater need for control. Enter COVID-19 and all of the ensuing scary world news, disruptions to our daily lives, social restrictions and more. This is why I’d like to share a few of my tips on how to nourish, not control, yourself right now.

We often think of nourishment in terms of food. However, to truly nourish oneself involves so much more than just what we physically feed our bodies. Nourishment also applies to our minds, our emotions and our spiritual and social selves. Here are a few of the ways that I keep myself well-nourished, and that I encourage you to explore for your own well-being during this very challenging time: 

1) Nourish your mind

It’s easy these days to get caught up in the 24/7 news cycle, tracking all of the alarming statistics and new restrictions being announced each day. For myself, I’ve set limits on how much news I consume each day. I allow myself two opportunities to check the news – once in the morning and once in the afternoon – and then give myself a break for the rest of the day. I have also started to focus on surrounding myself with more positive content. For me, this includes posting a daily moment-of-gratitude on my channels as a counter to all of the negative and scary stories online. Another way that I am increasing the positivity in my life is by “sprinkling” my house with affirmations that I have written on coloured Post-it notes. These affirmations are beautiful reminders in visible places in my home such as on my mirror, my kitchen cabinets and my computer monitors. They remind me each day of all that is good and beautiful in my life.

2) Nourish your spirit

The social changes we are all experiencing in response to COVID-19 have required a lot of us to slow down and spend more time at home. This has meant fewer errands, fewer activities, and often, more potentially negative thoughts. To combat this, I’ve been using the extra time to take solo walks in beautiful places or even just around the block, focusing on staying present, observing my surroundings and finding joy in the birds and the trees. I’ve also been spending time on grounding exercises and on taking quiet moments on my yoga mat to meditate and read inspirational readings. 

3) Nourish your connections

Isolation and secrecy are two elements that often play a big part in fueling an eating disorder. Spending so much time at home can lead to feeling more alone and isolated than ever. Currently, I have committed to connecting meaningfully with at least one or more friends or family members every day. As my partner works away from home, while I work remotely, I have found myself with much more alone time than I’m used to. To help ensure that I don’t spend too much time in my head and isolate myself emotionally - something that I have struggled with in the past - I have made an effort to call or FaceTime someone once a day, to invite a friend for a socially distanced walk, or to send an email to important people in my life. This practice has helped me mitigate the risks of isolation and instead, stay connected.

During this time of upheaval, it is so important that we commit to daily practices to keep ourselves feeling nourished – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. For my own recovery, I know that feeding my body nourishing foods is only one part of keeping myself well. I must also ensure that I am taking care of myself in a well-rounded holistic way. I hope that some of my tips above also help you to care for yourself during this time. Please be gentle with yourself, speak to yourself with love, kindness and affirmation, and find small ways to nourish yourself each day. 

Sending love and light

X., Benazir

COVID-19 and Eating Disorders, Part 3: Uncertainty and Lack of Control

Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

The third and final part of this blog series addresses a theme common to both eating disorders (ED) and the world's current consciousness: uncertainty and the need to feel in control. If you missed the previous posts in this series please click here.   

The past month and a half has been filled with suspense. We nervously await updates from political leaders and health authorities, while trying to maintain our footing on ever-shifting terrain. Navigating life during this pandemic is comparable to hitting clear-air turbulence in an aircraft--sudden, unpredictable and out of control. 

Faced with so much uncertainty, it is tempting to become obsessively focused on what can be controlled such as, body image and appearance. I am personally familiar with this unhealthy coping mechanism. During the time I lived with an ED, I fixated on controlling my appearance as if my peace of mind depended on it. Ironically, nothing could have been farther from the truth. Focusing on food, weight and appearance, with the intention to feel in control, is a recipe for disaster. Lately, I’ve really had to remind myself of this. 

As a flight attendant, I’ll be out of work for the foreseeable future. COVID-19 has caused major fallout for the airline and many other industries. I love my job. Despite my attempts to be optimistic, temporarily losing my job has brought feelings of sadness, helplessness and a lack of purpose. I’ve experienced, with new clarity, the correlation between feelings of uncertainty and the frequency with which ED thoughts try to tempt me with the promise of “control.” I’ve observed myself being drawn back to the idea of restricting food in the hope of controlling something in my life. I’ve considered buying fitness programs, following strict meal plans, measuring and counting... all fleeting attempts to find peace amidst life's current chaos. But I’ve been here before and so instead I am choosing to remind myself of the truth.

An eating disorder will not bring me control. Quite the opposite, it will control me. I know that restriction will lead to binging, purging, obsession and anxiety. All of which are the opposite of what I want for myself. I also know that choosing to restrict my food leads to the restriction of other things in my life: joy, creativity, spontaneity, laughter and everything else that makes life worth living. In the past, I’ve lost these things to an eating disorder and I won’t let this happen again. 

There is so much more to eating disorders than food and weight. It took me some time to realize that my preoccupation with those things was only a symptom of deeper issues. It wasn’t until I started uncovering the root causes of my behaviour that I realized that fear, inadequacy and uncertainty constituted the core of my pain which, in turn, motivated my unhealthy behaviours. It was only when I confronted these feelings at their source that my eating disorder began to wilt and die. Along the way, I learned that tending to these underlying issues is not a one time cure, but instead a continual process. 

This form of self-care is more important than ever right now. Anxiety about my body’s appearance is a red flag warning me of hidden emotional pain that I still need to address. 

Despite feeling as if I have no control over what’s going on in the world or in my life, I know that I always have full control over one thing: my response. I will choose to respond to this crisis from a place of love and empowerment. I will choose to not give my power away to ED’s darkness. Instead, I will ask myself: What can I learn from this? What are the “silver linings” to be found through this?

I find certainty in the pursuit of these answers. I find control within my agency and I know for sure that: I am the creative director of my life. I am the gardener of my thoughts. And although I have no control over what life throws at me, I have full control over what I choose to do about it. And so do you. 

This week’s mantra is: it is okay to admit that life is uncertain and scary right now. And although I don’t have control over what’s happening, I do have control over my response to it. I have control over how I choose to show up for others, for the world and for myself. 

Sophie

COVID-19 and Eating Disorders, Part 2: Isolation and Loneliness

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

With each passing week, the COVID-19 pandemic continues to alter our lives. For many, including myself, the dramatic changes have been accompanied by psychological stress. Old eating disorder narratives have been reignited for me. It is my goal to call out these harmful thoughts through writing this three-part blog. Please click here if you missed Part One. This post explores my experience with what I have found to be a particularly significant trigger of eating disorder (ED) behaviour: isolation and loneliness.

In the interest of “flattening the curve,” social-distancing and self-isolation have not only become new norms but also expectations. However, from an evolutionary and biological perspective, humans are social creatures--there’s a reason why solitary confinement is the worst type of imprisonment. Although effective at containing the virus, forced isolation is problematic for our mental health. I’ve been experiencing the effects of isolation first hand, as feelings of loneliness have been threatening to evoke past ED tendencies.  

I’m a textbook introvert. I’ve always needed to re-charge my energetic batteries with a lot of “me” time. But stretch an afternoon of solitude into anything longer than a few days and my thoughts will begin to over-steep like a forgotten cup of tea. Overthinking will quickly darken my usually optimistic outlook and that, my friends, is the space where my ED voice can become emboldened. Eating disorders thrive in the ruminating thoughts that accompany isolation. 

As an aforementioned introvert, I hadn’t realized until now just how important my social circle is for my overall well-being. Uplifting friends provide inspiration and support while also reflecting back positive attributes within myself. Not being able to spend time with these people has me feeling lonely. Pre-recovery, loneliness would have me searching for ways to numb-out and lately, ED has been raising its hand again to volunteer. To which I respond, “Thank you for your interest, but you're no longer a suitable match for this job.”  

Truthfully, I don’t want to numb-out loneliness. Any type of emotional pain is information and this particular pain is informing me that I have an amazing friend network that is worthy of being missed. Also, contrary to what the ED would have me believe, these friends miss me in the same way. So, there is no need to spiral back down into a secretive illness of shame when I can choose to simply reach out to others. There was a time when I considered my eating disorder to be my friend, and even though it may be attempting to reach out to me now, I will no longer answer its calls. Friends off. Blocked and deleted. 

Instead, I will make a daily effort to stay connected to as many wonderful people as possible through technology. I’ve already had “FaceTime Teatime” dates and long phone calls with a number of my friends (almost daily with my family) and it’s made all the difference in keeping my thoughts in a positive space. I also have friends who I know I can express my ED vulnerabilities to, along with an outstanding therapist who I can always count on to help me feel centred and strong. I’ve also realized that the most important person I have in my life is ME. I’m finally beginning to trust in my ability to be my own best friend, to truly experience my emotions and to self-soothe instead of self-sabotage.

When I pay attention to all the ways in which I am loved and supported by others, I am filled with immense gratitude that leaves little room for any gloomy ED thoughts. Make a list of who you know you can depend on and reach out to those people. Remember this: you are not alone; you are not even alone in feeling alone. We are all connected right now, more than ever, even if it may not seem like it.

This week’s mantra is: I will make connecting with the people I love a daily priority. I will reach out if I need help and simply for the sake of reaching out. I am loved and supported by so many people.

 
Talk to you all again next week, in Part Three! 
Sophie 

COVID-19 and Eating Disorders, Part 1: Food, Exercise & Body Image

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

Since negative body image and preoccupation with food and exercise are the defining aspects of an eating disorder, Part One of this blog series focuses on my experience with these topics, amidst the Covid-19 outbreak. If you missed the introduction to this series, please click here:
A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store to purchase ingredients for my work-week meal prep. One of my staples is chickpeas. But there were no chickpeas. Not even the expensive, organic kind. Furthermore, the other essentials on my list also appeared to be dwindling in supply. Anxious thoughts ran through my mind: “What if I am unable to eat the way I normally eat? What if the healthy foods that I most commonly purchase are no longer available? What will happen if I am forced to sustain myself off of foods that have triggered me in the past”? Stockpiling on fresh produce was not logical - unless I owned a family of ten rabbits -  and loading up on processed pantry items filled me with a dread that I hadn’t experienced since the thick of my eating disorder struggles. Familiar fear caught me off guard in the form of labelling foods as “good” and “bad.”

COVID-19 has brought about the sudden closure of most businesses. This includes my beloved spin and boxing studios, along with all commercial gyms. Like my relationship with my body, my relationship with exercise has a tumultuous past. I’ve worked hard to rebuild this relationship from a foundation of self-love, strength and endorphins. Yet...no more early morning spin classes with double attack tracks? No post-boxing muscle soreness? This has become a concern for me. I catch myself overthinking what I make for dinner, due to a quietly nagging fear that I haven’t “earned” it that day. Self-quarantine means spending much more time than usual indoors, which has me thinking about my energy expenditure more than I’d like to admit. And although I do enjoy them, I’m beginning to realize that I may have an unhealthy dependency on high-intensity fitness classes. 

The combination of potential food scarcity and reduced physical activity has not been easy for me to deal with. I’ve had instances of mirror checking. Urges to restrict what I eat. Urges to measure my food and my body. Urges to run around my neighbourhood for two hours straight. But I won’t. And neither should you. Here’s why. 

I know from lived experience that the consequences of not giving my body the fuel it needs will FAR outweigh the consequences of eating foods I may label as “bad.” Furthermore, the concept of “good” and “bad” food labelling is something I’ve worked too hard to rid my mind of. I will not abandon myself OR my health in favour of repetitious lies from my ED - who, at this point, is beginning to display a major lack of creativity. I refuse to sink back into the depths of an unsustainable, low-energy existence. My body is intelligent. I know that I can trust my body and, in turn, I must ensure that it can trust ME. I will give it the energy that it unconditionally deserves by NOT restricting what I eat. 

Despite my love of high-intensity exercise regimes, I know that calorie-torching workouts are not a prerequisite for loving myself, nor are they the key to health. And believe me, not only is running around your neighbourhood for two whole hours unspeakably boring, it can result in shin splints and hormonal imbalances. I won’t do it. Instead, I will choose to embrace new forms of movement. I will go for walks and listen to my favourite podcasts. I will dance in my apartment. I will stream YouTube yoga classes and moderate at-home workouts. Most importantly, I will stop obsessing over the frequency and intensity of my workouts and instead, truly listen to what my body craves in terms of movement. Sometimes, this may look like a day with no movement at all, which is completely okay! I choose to view exercise as a way to shift stagnant energy through my body, not as a way to maintain any type of physical aesthetic.  
And there you have it. An honest account of what has been surfacing for me in terms of food, exercise and body image, as a result of the COVID-19 reality. If you are struggling to any degree, I hope you’ve found this relatable, helpful and hopeful. 

My mantra for this week is: I trust and accept my body exactly as it is. I respect my body and therefore myself, by giving it the energy that it needs and by making self-loving exercise a priority. Try making it yours too. 

Be sure to check back next week for Part 2 of this series!
Sophie.

Introduction to ‘Covid-19 and Eating Disorders,’ a 3-Part Blog

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

My eating disorder (ED) has been dead to me for a while now, and I am strongly committed to keeping it that way. I’ve been diligent in my efforts to heal over the past two years and, as a result, can proudly say that now recovery is the liberating space in which the majority of my thoughts reside. A normal day in my life is ED-free. However, I know I speak for everyone when I say that recent life has not been normal. 

The Covid-19 virus has swiftly knocked the wind out of any preconceived notion of “normalcy,” leaving in its wake physical, psychological and economic turmoil. If you’re anything like me, the past few weeks have been a blur of grappling with sudden change, whilst jumping between thoughts of “What? How can this be real?” and “Wow...This is actually happening.” Nothing like a pandemic to start off the new decade…
It’s hard to say which is more contagious--the coronavirus itself or the fear that it invokes? “Hysteria. Chaos. Panic,” all of these words describe the times we currently find ourselves in. I’m sure usage of the word “unprecedented” is also at a record high. And all for good reason: this is a chaotic and unprecedented crisis. Covid-19, and the strange circumstances it has brought with it, are proving difficult for everyone. We, as a world-wide collective, were not prepared for this virus nor were we prepared for its psychological side effects. 

As mentioned, I consider myself to be fully recovered from my eating disorder. Yet, I’ve recently been revisited by the still familiar inner voice of ED dialogue. It belittles and taunts me, trying to persuade me back to maladaptive and self-harming behaviours. It promises me a sense of control amidst all of this uncertainty. And...I’ve almost listened to it. ALMOST. 

I find no shame in admitting that the unfamiliar reality caused by Covid-19 threatens to reawaken a mental illness that I’ve fought so hard to overcome. It certainly does. Throughout this, I am aware that  I have the potential--but more importantly, the choice-- to revert back to harmful coping mechanisms. But that is not what I will choose to do. 

Instead, I will choose to connect. I’ve observed my thoughts and feelings over the past few days and have categorized them into three main groups. This will thus be a three-part blog series where I will discuss these thoughts and feelings, why I choose to not listen to them, and the healthy tools that work for me in combating them. Throughout, I want to communicate my thoughts and feelings honestly and openly because I know that I am not alone in feeling them. None of us are alone in this. 

Stay tuned for Part One! 

Why Eating Disorders Awareness Week Matters

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer

Last week, February 1 to 7, was Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW), an informative and stirring, full week of events focused on community engagement and raising awareness of the fact that eating disorders can’t afford to wait. 

The week began with iconic Calgary landmarks including the Calgary Tower, the Glenbow Museum, the Reconciliation Bridge and Olympic Plaza being lit up in vivid purple--the awareness colour for eating disorders--to shine a light on this urgent mental health issue. Plus, the official proclamation and launch of EDAW at Calgary City Hall by MLA Nicholas Milliken, Councillor Sean Chu, Silver Linings and the Eating Disorder Support Network of Alberta (EDSNA).

This year’s EDAW theme was “Eating Disorders Can’t Afford To Wait,” and as someone who is in recovery from an eating disorder, I could not agree more. When I was still in the grip of my eating disorder, each day involved being robbed of my health, my relationships, my dreams--my life. Today, thousands of Albertans continue to be robbed of their lives by their eating disorder struggles. Compounding this, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses, including depression. And yet, they remain misunderstood and stigmatized. 

I spent years trying to access medical care for my illness and facing confusion from doctors, friends and family members. Also, I constantly felt ashamed of having an eating disorder. From my perspective, it is therefore incredibly refreshing and powerful to experience a public/transparent week of talking, accurately, about these mental illnesses. 

The lighting up of landmarks mentioned earlier feels to me like an invitation to bring light to the deadly darkness of eating disorders. Also, vivid purple represents passion, inspiration and calmness, qualities that are critical for eating disorder recovery and for the continued process of awareness-raising and improving access and availability of services. 

EDAW is a time to speak up, remove the veils of secrecy and shame, and share stories of strength, hope and recovery. This is why the week is so incredibly important. My hope is that the momentum of EDAW spills over to the rest of the year until eating disorder recovery becomes the norm and not the exception. 

Though It’s Dark Outside, This Time of Year We Shine a Bright Light on Mental Health

By Julianna Hindemith, Silver Linings volunteer

 Bell’s Let’s Talk Day is on January 29th this year. This high profile campaign is now 10 years old and, importantly, involves a nation-wide call to raise awareness of mental illness and reduce stigma. It continues to be a highly-relevant campaign because no one is immune to mental health issues, and the wider the doors of discussion are opened the more likely it is that support will be accessed.

In any given year, approximately 1 in 5 Canadians will face a form of mental illness. Communication campaigns like Let’s Talk Day are shifting and enhancing our conversations about mental health, but the shadow of stigma still lingers. I love how Let’s Talk Day rallies Canadians around stigma-reduction because every effort creates more and more momentum.   

For eating disorders specifically, this time of year is also peak campaign time! National Eating Disorders Awareness Week kicks off in Calgary next week, on Friday, January 31, with daily events planned up to and including February 7.

Please visit Eating Disorder Awareness Week on the Silver Linings website and see the event listing below to learn more about all of the inspiring and informative events happening all week long and how to take part! In closing, from reflecting on the next couple of weeks and the bright spotlight that will be shone on supporting one another through mental illness, I wrote this short letter to a loved one who is currently going through a tough time.  

Dear ________, 

I know the pain you feel as I have also felt this low before. If I could wear this hurt for you I wouldn't think twice. This road is never easy but you will soon see better days and, we are always stronger on the other side. Right now you have to face yourself despite how hard that is. Avoiding the mirror won’t eliminate the difficult changes you are facing. And living in your head only distorts reality. I know that it is hard to rationalize right now because your mind is elsewhere, your soul is suffering, and the tears won’t stop. So take a breath and when the tears dry up, I will be waiting for you with open arms. You are a fighter. You are heard. You are loved. And most of all, you will be okay.

Love, 

Julianna 

Source:https://cmha.ca/fast-facts-about-mental-illness

Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW) 2020, Calgary Events

Friday, January 31:1

1:30 a.m. - 12:45 p.m. Launch of Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2020, in the City Hall Atrium, beginning with a Mindful Meal. We often race through eating like a pit crew trying to get back in the race. Join us for an opportunity to slow down and experience a meal in a mindful and deliberate way. Then, starting at noon, Mayor Nenshi, Silver Linings Foundation and the Eating Disorder Support Network of Alberta (EDSNA) will launch Calgary’s EDAW 2020. For more information, please contact colleen.hauck@silverliningsfoundation.ca.

Saturday, February 1:

1 p.m. – 4 p.m. Body Image Workshop for all ages, at the YW Hub Facility. Interested in getting along better with your body? Please join this interactive session to discuss and move toward a healthier body image. Register by clicking on this Eventbrite link, https://bit.ly/2NrPMId

Evening. Lighting of Calgary Landmarks. Watch for the Calgary Tower, Olympic Plaza, Reconciliation Bridge, Arts Commons, Glenbow Museum and Telus Spark to all be vivid purple on the evening of February 1, in recognition of EDAW and all in the community who are impacted by eating disorders. Please share your landmarks selfies with us @SilverLiningsAB, #ShowUsYourPurple

Sunday, February 2:

11 a.m. - 12:30 p.m. Community Yoga Class at Southcentre Mall Centre Court. Please join us for this inspiring, community-building yoga event led by @dopeame’s amazing, Marin McCue and generously sponsored by @southcentremall. Click here https://bit.ly/2tVpJm2 to register before all spots are taken! Tickets are $25 with all proceeds going towards future Eating Disorders Awareness Week initiatives. For more information, please contact kristin.pletch@silverliningsfoundation.ca. *Please note the revised 11 a.m. start time of this event. #activeforawareness

Monday, February 3:

6 p.m. – 9 p.m. Panel Discussion at the Calgary Central Library. The University of Calgary EDAW Planning Group, in partnership with the Mathison Centre and the Calgary Central Library, will be screening the documentary "Straight/Curve." Following the documentary will be a panel discussion with eating disorder professionals and those with lived eating disorder experience. This event is free but please right-click and register here, https://www.silverliningsfoundation.ca/community/edaw For more information, please contact jessica_sauerwein@live.ca

Tuesday, February 4:

11 a.m. – 2 p.m. Eating Disorders Information Booth at Mount Royal, “Main Street.” We are talking about Eating Disorders and Body Image to students from the MRU campus. Come down to learn more about Eating disorders, mental health and available supports. For more information, please contact Fatima Dhooma at fdhooma@mtroyal.ca

6 p.m. – 8 p.m. “Lifted Up”, Prayer Event at Parkdale Grace Fellowship Church. This special Christian gathering will involve prayer, music and fellowship all in support of eating disorders. Free event. For more information and to R.S.V.P., please contact Sarah Higgins at fednutritionconsulting@gmail.com

Wednesday, February 5:

3 p.m. Panel Discussion at the Riddell Library & Learning Centre (Ideas Lounge), hosted by Mount Royal University. We will be screening a documentary about eating disorders, followed by a panel discussion with experts and allies of individuals who have experienced eating disorders. Free event. For more information, please contact Fatima Dhooma at fdhooma@mtroyal.ca

Friday, February 7:

9:30 am - 10:30 am - Overeater's Anonymous Open Meeting at St Luke’s Parish. For all types of disordered eating, this is a special Eating Disorders Awareness Week meeting that anyone is welcome to attend to find out what OA is all about/how we can support ED recovery. For more information, please contact 403-612-1301. *Please note: This is not an endorsement of the OA support group model but rather, part of a comprehensive listing of all Calgary EDAW 2020-related initiatives. 

6 p.m. – 10 p.m. “Evening of Hope” at The Village, Brentwood. Dr. Angela Grace and the Eating Disorder Support Network of Alberta (EDSNA) have curated an all ages evening of stories of healing as told through art, music, dance and spoken word. The Silent Auction and Market Collective start at 6 p.m., while performances start at 7 p.m. Tickets required. Please purchase through the event listing here, www.silverliningsfoundation.ca/community/edaw

New Year’s Resolutions Worth Making

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

As the last decade draws to a close and 2020 is restlessly anticipated, let’s discuss something important: New Year’s resolutions. 

The beginning of January is guaranteed to be full of noise about weight loss. There is no escaping the flurry of “self-improvement” marketing that begins as soon as the clock strikes midnight. The diet and fitness industries do their utmost to exploit the promise of a “new year, new you.” 

The mainstream weight loss-focused New Year’s resolution has disappointed me year after year. As a teenager, it made me compare myself to others and convinced me that my body size was indicative of my worth. Later, during my struggle with an eating disorder, it would trigger me deeper into destructive behaviours. Now, it just makes me angry. Can’t we come up with more creative and uplifting New Year’s resolutions? 

With this in mind, here are some resolutions that have nothing to do with changing your body: 

• Work on honouring your emotions. Resist the urge to avoid and distract and instead, truly experience what you feel. 

• Drive your weight scale to an alley dumpster, throw it in and drive off. Bye, Felicia. 

• Begin and end your day by giving yourself a meaningful compliment. Set a “self-love alarm” on your phone as a reminder. 

• Promise to not speak negatively about anyone’s body, including your own. Only pay attention to the things that you love about yourself and others. 

• Find and commit to a form of exercise that you actually enjoy, then include your friends!

• Disable the calorie counting function on your smart watch. Count your blessings instead. 

• Spend more time with people who inspire you and make you feel excited about life. 

• Grant yourself permission to do absolutely nothing. Allow yourself to rest once in awhile. 

• Challenge yourself to go out to a restaurant and order exactly what you want from the menu. 

• Volunteer your time with a cause that resonates with you and makes you feel like you’re making a difference. 

• Create a mindful morning routine. Mine involves coffee, a short meditation and listening to music as I get ready for the day.  

• Cut back on your social media consumption. Go through who you follow and delete any accounts that don’t contribute positivity to your life. 

• Commit to something that pushes you out of your comfort zone, like public speaking, bungee jumping or solo travel.

• Write down everything you would want in a best friend and then become those things yourself.

• Challenge yourself to be less afraid of making mistakes. 

• Make a list of all the ways in which you know you are amazing. Put it in an envelope, address it to yourself and read it on a rainy day. 

• Choose a skill that you’ve always wanted to learn like water colour painting or a second language and start working towards mastering it. 

Or…how about going into 2020 with no added pressure or expectations? Simply resolving to love and accept yourself as you are, flaws and all, now that is truly a New Year’s resolution worth making!

Recipe for an ED-free Christmas

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

For this recipe you will need the following ingredients:
-2 cups, self-awareness
-1 cup, self-compassion
-1 cup, healthy perspective
-2 1/2 tablespoons, patience
-2 heaping tablespoons, forgiveness
-a handful, boundaries.

Directions:
1. Amidst the holiday food-focus, start off by understanding that food is not a moral issue. It is not valid to equate your value with the food you consume. Food is cultural, nostalgic, fun and enjoyable. And at its core, food provides the energy to live. Constantly denying ourselves certain “bad” foods and replacing them with “good” alternatives is just another kind of recipe, for disaster. This takes us to step 2.

2. Stop the “all or nothing” diet mentality. Maybe this sounds familiar: you promise yourself you’ll “get back on track” on Monday or when your vacation is over or...This black or white, “I’ll start tomorrow” mindset can be the start of the dangerous binge/restrict cycle. If you’ve eaten a few cookies, there is no need to keep going and “start again on Monday.” Instead, reset NOW by loving and respecting your body and by trusting that you can achieve a healthy and intuitive balance that includes occasional holiday treats.

3. Know that you do not have to earn the food that you eat. You do not need to lose weight to gain permission to eat Christmas dinner! You CAN feel free to go ahead and enjoy food, no strings attached. Granted, after personally overcoming an eating disorder I discovered that enjoying food is much easier said than done. However, with effort and time, changing the deep-seated beliefs that contribute to a disordered relationship with food is possible. In the meantime, please know this truth: You CAN trust your body. Even if it goes against everything you believe, try to internalize this. Eating delicious food during the holidays is not something you must “work for” to deserve.

4. Be kind to yourself. For many of us, the holidays can bring up uncomfortable emotions. If not processed, these emotions may be lead to harmful behaviour. Restriction, binging and purging were my go-to coping tactics for years. You may not be able to control what sets you off, but you do always have a choice: to either self-sabotage or be kind to yourself. Asking yourself the question “how can I take amazing care of myself today?” is a powerful tool to help you choose kindness over the alternative.

5. Be prepared to object to body shaming and triggering commentary. The holiday season can be a full-on bombardment of toxic diet-related conversations. Think critically and don’t be afraid to challenge other’s beliefs around food, body image and weight. While you do this, make sure to keep your well-being as your top priority. You are allowed to walk away from conversations, ignore remarks and state that you cannot entertain certain topics. Therapists, like-minded friends and body-positive social media communities can be amazing supports in the “diet culture war zone” holiday season. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support.

6. Combine the above ingredients and mix well. Bake at 365 degrees of determination to NOT be controlled or diminished by society’s damaging food and body image beliefs. Decorate with words of affirmation and the knowledge that you are more than enough exactly as you are. For this holiday recipe - and others, all year long - you have the right to joy and freedom without conditions.

Staying In Your Own Lane

By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer

Everywhere we turn today we are surrounded by messages telling us what we should eat, how we should exercise and what our bodies should look like. It’s a lot of noise and confusion for the average person. It’s a potential minefield for someone recovering from an eating disorder.

The beginning of eating disorder recovery can feel like walking on a tightrope: wobbly and unstable. It’s a very vulnerable time. But even years into recovery, being surrounded by societal messages pushing perfection and achievement can be overwhelming.

For me, a phrase that I held steadfastly during my recovery and to this day is stay in your own lane. These words remind me that what I need for my recovery might not be what someone else needs for theirs and vice versa. And, they help me stay true to my path when co-workers gossip about their latest diets or I see an Instagram influencer promoting a new supplement or workout, or I feel pressured to adopt a new fashion trend.

It’s crucial to remember that eating disorders are mental illnesses. Recovery puts the illness into “remission.” While staying true to your path--staying in your own lane--helps keep the illness there. As you interact with those around you, remember that they may not have this mental illness. Plus, societal messages affect everyone differently. Your healing and recovery are what matters most, so if necessary, try to shut out the world’s noise and keep focused on the task at hand.

For me, this has meant tuning out when others talk about their workouts and diets, not following fitness models and “gurus” on social media, and not feeling pressured into fashion trends that make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s meant not buying magazines with unrealistic images and not discussing weight with friends and family. But most of all, whenever I’ve started to feel the pull of someone else’s path, it’s meant reminding myself of the pain, obsession and suffering that my illness caused versus the freedom that I enjoy now.

Today, with solid years of amazing recovery under my belt, I wouldn’t want to be in any other lane than my own--a lane of recovery from an eating disorder. Looking back on where I came from, I know that the peaceful lane of freedom is the only lane for me and that staying on it is worth doing whatever it takes. 

You Are Not Your Instagram Account

November 7, 2019

By Julianna Hindemith, Silver Linings volunteer

Do you wake up each morning and immediately check your social media platforms? If you do, stop! I mean it. A much healthier morning practice involves focusing on YOU, versus starting the day by comparing yourself to others.

A recent study from York University found that young people who engaged with a post of someone who they perceived to be more attractive than themselves immediately felt worse about their self-image. Additionally, the study noted that using social media frequently and mindlessly contributes to feeling unfulfilled and isolated.  

So, if you don’t want to delete your social media accounts the question is: how do you maintain a presence without compromising your mental health? 

Start by turning off notifications. Instead, only check your social media platforms once a day, or better yet, only a couple of times per week. If you find it difficult to cut back, this may mean that you’ve become somewhat “addicted” to social media. So pull back more slowly if you have to. Even small steps are progress. Just remember that using social media to fill up your day can have a negative impact on your sense of self. The grass is never greener on the other side of comparison and there is no such thing as a perfect life. 

Too much social media can also cause sleep issues. So one hour before bedtime should be “sans” social media. Our body has a natural circadian rhythm and the blue light from any electronic device interferes with our sleep cycle. Also, social media can contribute to depression and stress--both can bring on insomnia. 

Social media is not always negative. We are connected to the world around us more now than ever. Our awareness of global events, in real time, is astounding. And individuals can positively impact causes they care about through participation in online communities. In these ways, social media can foster empathy and makes the world feel smaller. Yet the best way to engage in it, I suggest, is to exclusively follow the people and accounts that inspire you. Definitely end the mindless scrolling through self-absorbed content and ask yourself  why before you engage.

What will you gain when you begin to cut back on social media? You will feel less isolated and more in charge of your life’s direction. You will have more time to focus on your self awareness, goal setting, career, family and friends--the important things! You will begin to like, and hopefully love, yourself. And the more you love who you are, the less you will seek approval. You will gain more insight into what is best for you and attract more of this. You will not need anyone or anything to validate your worth.

And if you feel that you are missing out just remember: “If you are not invited to the party, throw your own!”- Diahann Carroll. 

Over time I have learned to be much more focused on who I am versus how I look and compare to others on social media. And guess what? When you start to value your own opinion of your life over the opinion of others, you just may find that the “need” for social media kind of slips away... 

Sources

https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2018/11/16/new-research-shows-just-how-bad-social-media-can-be-for-mental-health/#4df7af9e7af4

https://www.tuck.com/social-media-and-sleep/

The Things that Go Unseen

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

She’s seen as the achiever. Upbeat and productive during her busy daily routine; she leaves next to no room for error. She wears a perma-grin to make you think that she’s always in a good mood. She’s seen by others as having her life super organized, all of the time. She seems to do it all and have it all except...when it comes to having breakfast…or lunch... or dinner. But she gets by on “being busy.” 

No one sees that she is struggling. Her thoughts are sharper than the sound of her high heels as she marches through her daily responsibilities. Every window seems to reflect her perceived flaws and failures. She tries to numb her feelings of worthlessness, yet can  never quite manage to avoid the mirrors in her mind. Her only source of relief is through achieving the light-headed high of hunger. She’s stuck in a vicious cycle. 

He’s seen as the performer. He spends hours perfecting the grace and strength required to match his movements to the notes of the ballet symphony. He strives to be an example of pure dedication. His lean, muscular body has been honed to convey stories through motion; dance is his self-expression. It’s the medium through which his accomplishments are noticed and acknowledged by others. His body is a marionette; mastery of the performance is the puppeteer. His yearning for perfection takes centre stage.

No one sees that he is a slave of obsessive thinking. He doesn’t see reality when he looks in the mirror, only areas for improvement. Every practice or audition is another opportunity for comparison and self-criticism. He feels like an imposter in his own life. Everything that gives him an identity feels so unstable, so impermanent. His worth depends on his success, and his success depends on his ability to manipulate his body and mind. He pursues control to the detriment of everything else. 

She’s seen as the mother. Selfless and consistent vis-a-vis the needs of those she loves, she claims to rarely have time for herself. Besides self-deprecation, she doesn’t say much about her figure. Her social media feeds are all about her family's daily activities. Broken crayons, trips to the park and messy ice-cream faces never suggest a motherhood consumed with body-image anxiety.

No one sees how low her self-esteem really is. She’s ashamed of the way she looks and even more ashamed of her many unsuccessful attempts to change this. She feels guilty about abusing the body that brought her children into the world, yet the shame she experiences when she looks at old photographs of herself is hard to bear. She compares herself to other mothers and worries that her preoccupation with her body makes her a terrible parent. The more she dislikes herself, the more she dislikes and harms her body. 

Eating disorders are often cloaked in different masks - like those above - making them especially difficult to detect. Yet we can’t lose sight that eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, including depression. 

These brain-based illnesses must be taken seriously. If you suspect that you or someone you care for is struggling never be afraid to seek professional help. 

About a Boy

By Julianna Hindemith, Silver Linings volunteer

It is a common misconception that eating disorders are only experienced by young women. Individuals who are impacted by eating disorders, and the health professionals who treat them, know that this is not the case. In fact, research indicates that at least 25% of individuals with eating disorders are male.

Sadly, only 10% of those admitted into eating disorder treatment centres in Canada are male. This seems to speak to the lack of awareness of eating disorders in males, and is likely why the vast majority of eating disorder research focuses on females. In addition, eating disorders in males often go undiagnosed and untreated due to social stigma. 

For the reasons above, many researchers believe that the 25% estimate may not accurately reflect all of the males who are struggling with eating disorders. 

The British Columbia Centres For Excellence In Eating Disorders conducted a study a few years ago that focused on males admitted to the inpatient eating disorders unit. Their studies concluded that 80% of these males named “excessive exercise” as a symptom of their disordered relationship with their bodies. They also discovered that 9% of males admitted to binge eating or overeating, and 5% admitted to purging food. These results mirrored the female in-patients’ symptoms and behaviours. 

This would seem to suggest that both females and males struggle with similar body image issues. 

It is so important to recognize that eating disorders do not discriminate based on gender. We must continue to raise awareness of the impact of eating disorders in males so that they can feel safe to join the conversation and get the support that they deserve. 

If you are a male who is experiencing an eating disorder, please know that you are not alone. Reach out to a trusted family member, friend, school or health professional about what you are going through. Support is also available through the National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) by telephone, 1-866-NEDIC-20; email nedic@uhn.ca; and chat, nedic.ca

P.S. The video below is a trailer for the 2015 documentary Millstone, which focuses on males and eating disorders. I consider it to be an honest film that speaks to everything that I cannot regarding males and their experiences with these devastating mental illnesses.

*TRIGGER WARNING. The video contains information about eating disorders which may be triggering to those recovering or recovered. https://youtu.be/RUQ2uPlrsD8 

References:

https://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.com/ 

https://cfe.keltyeatingdisorders.ca/news/research-supports-youth-eating-disorders-their-road-recovery-qa-dr-jennifer-coelho

Reach Out and Hold On

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

You are reading this blog post for a reason. 

You may be lonely right now. You may be cold. You may feel trapped and scared in a dark, hopeless place, your eyesight accustomed to the darkness. You may doubt that you’ll ever resurface into the light of your life as it was before your eating disorder. 

I know how hard it’s been for you because I’ve been there too. I’m writing this because I want to give you something…

First, I’m going to throw you a rope. This rope is permission. Permission to reach out. Permission to not take this on alone. Permission to ask for help. 

It’s okay if this scares you. Entering back into daylight terrified me too and stirred up a flurry of questions:

If I’m lifted out of hiding what will people see? What will people think? What if my problems are too heavy and I fall back down? What will happen when I surrender the control that has given me a sense of safety for so long? Will I know who I am if I’m lifted away from this illness? What if life without an eating disorder isn’t possible for me?

Now I can’t force you to grab on to this rope, but I can try to convince you to. Why?

Reaching out for help and holding on tight will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. 

What awaits you at the top is better than you dare to imagine. 

You will find peace with your body exactly as it is (yes, this is possible). You will find space for new and beautiful things. You will find the energy to focus on what really matters to you. You will have the time to cultivate friendships, projects and goals. Smiling will no longer feel foreign and laughing will happen often and with ease. You will truly learn to live again, free from all the constraints of your eating disorder’s rules. You will gain back what you lost in SO many ways. You will gain back YOU.  

Reaching out for help will take courage. It will take trust. It will take perseverance to keep holding on when you want to let go.

But I promise you this, no matter how daunting reaching out for help may feel, it’s so worth it! And when you reach out for support, you also take a huge step on the path to recovery.

Go forth. I’m rooting for you.

To learn about Silver Linings’ Adult and Adolescent Support Groups, please check out this link, https://www.silverliningsfoundation.ca/help/adult

Go Find Four Year-Old You: A Tool for Self-Love

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer

Walk down the self-help aisle of any bookstore and it is quickly apparent that self-love is an emphasized topic of mental well-being. 

For years while experiencing my eating disorder, I struggled with how to love myself. My eating disorder cast a dark shadow on my self-worth. I didn’t know where to even begin to find this self-love. More importantly, how was I supposed to give this love to myself when self-hatred took up so much space in my life? 

The concept of self-love frustrated me. I believed that if self-love was an exit out of my eating disorder, I would never succeed in crossing its threshold. 

Ironically, my struggle to achieve self-love significantly perpetuated my feelings of inadequacy. The repeating cycle of self-hatred continued until my therapist introduced me to a simple, yet revolutionary perspective: the concept of visualizing and reconnecting with my child-self. 

I’ll never forget the emotions that overwhelmed me when I started to visualize blue-eyed, four year-old Sophie. She loved to search for mermaids and fairies. She ran through the forest, cut her little siblings’ hair and hugged the neighbours cat. She had a kind heart, an imaginative mind and a sensitive spirit. She was magical and beautiful and inherently deserving of love, exactly as she was.

I smiled with relief that she was still there, easily accessible in my mind. I cried uncontrollably over the realization that I had forgotten, neglected and mistreated her for so long. 

I began to live my life in a different way. I made four year-old Sophie a self-love reminder by changing the background of my phone to a picture of her. I asked myself: “What does she need on a day to day basis? How can I take the BEST possible care of little Sophie?”  

She needed food. She needed rest. She needed to play. She needed to feel safe. I could not hurt her with unkind words. I could not starve her. I could not criticize her body. I could not tell her she wasn’t good enough. 

I began to encourage her. I protected and reassured her. I comforted her when she was sad and allowed her to feel what she was feeling. I woke up everyday and made it my goal to provide for her in the best way that I could. She was worthy of my love exactly as she was. 

She was me. 

She IS me. 

And she always will be. 

Self-love, like any relationship, involves ongoing and conscious effort. It means choosing, everyday, to accept and care for yourself in the ways that you need to. 

The next time you are struggling with how to love yourself, try letting your inner child guide you. They always have been, and always will be, the essence of who you are and how you deserve to be treated. 

Self-care

By Julianna Hindemith, Silver Linings volunteer

Practicing self-care can be one of the most difficult aspects of the recovery process. We all get busy with our various obligations, and taking some time for ourselves can tend to take a back seat. However, avoiding “me time” has no benefit. Self-care is crucial to our overall functioning because it’s a way of loving ourselves. When you take care of yourself physically, you are also nurturing yourself emotionally. In my experience, self-care is one of the most crucial practices for healing from an eating disorder.

One of the ways that I like to practice self-care is through yoga. I love yoga because it allows me to focus on my body and mind in a non-judgemental, loving way. Through each delicate pose I find outer and inner balance. I’m not thinking about my failures or successes. I’m not thinking about my obligations or the size of my thighs. I feel strong and open to the positive energy that I am breathing in. I am calm and feel grateful for my body. 

Figuring out what self-care routine works best for you can be somewhat challenging. Here are four tips to consider to help you on this path:

1. Self-reflect. What is your favourite hobby? How do you feel most at ease? Is it watching your favourite movie? Reading a book? Maybe it is having a good conversation with your favorite person over the phone or in person? I find that whatever first comes to mind is the easiest and often the best option. Start from there and it will grow. There is no right or wrong approach.

2. Let go of perfectionism. Self-care isn’t about doing it right. In fact, letting it not go as planned can be a form of self-care. Breathe in and just do what makes you calm in the moment. I often light a candle and lay down on the couch. Doing nothing at all can still be doing something good for yourself.

3. Make a list of what helps. I write everything down because I have learned that ideas shouldn’t live only in your head. Writing things down is a great “me time” practice and can be very calming too.

4. Accept your unique path of recovery. I know that I sometimes put too much  pressure on myself to have a “quality night.” Self-care can involve letting go of the rules and choosing instead to allow yourself to go with the flow. Trust that your journey is moving forward even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

A self-care ritual(s) doesn’t need to be complicated or costly and shouldn't feel mandatory. It only needs to work for you. It can be as simple as taking some deep breaths, listening to music, running a bath or making a cup of tea. Choose to make self-care a regular part of your life. You are worth it!