By Guest Blogger, Sonja F.
“My past relationship with my eating disorder (ED) is one that I’m grateful to have.” This is something that I never thought I would say, as living with bulimia for 15 years was extremely painful. When I used to hear others in recovery say that they were grateful to have lived with an eating disorder, I thought it was absurd! I so badly wanted to be healed of my ED, which I experienced as a helpless void and endless cycle of pain. Yet recovery from bulimia has given me a new outlook and an emotional skill set to help me navigate my world.
This month marks two years since my last binge and purge. That day, like the rest of my “bad days,” was just an average day. My ED was my “normal”- it evolved beyond negative feelings and eventually started to attack my positive feelings as well. Even feelings of joy would trigger me to binge and purge. Towards the end of my struggle, insignificant activities such as getting out of bed and planning my day would trigger my ED. I lived in constant fear, always having the helpless feeling that recovery wasn’t possible. I believed that my ED was going to be part of my life forever.
As I write this, it’s tempting to only write about the suffering: How my ED morphed over the years--the regrets, the lying, the physical pain, the planning, and the endless broken promises that tomorrow would be different. However, anyone who has experienced an eating disorder knows these feelings. This is a fact that, in and of itself, shows some of the “beauty” of living through an ED. A community is formed among those who understand what it’s like. Through the power of communication, love, acceptance and understanding, we gain the strength to recover. Not only for ourselves but also to be able to help others who are struggling.
I wouldn’t be celebrating this two-year milestone had it not been for my eating disorder recovery fellowship. This community of support includes various groups. I spoke with a counsellor who specializes in disordered eating. I attended anonymous group meetings with others who had addiction issues. I spoke openly and honestly with trusted friends and family members. I journaled my fears, feelings and anxieties. And I practiced yoga and meditation to slow life down a bit (This really helped!).
When I had my first abstinent meal - without binging or purging - I didn’t know how I would sustain this long term. I don’t work well with setting goals and internal promises like “I won’t binge today or this week” were not helpful. Instead, I had to slow recovery down by taking it minute by minute. By remaining as present as possible I found my manageability. Two years later, I still take recovery moment by moment because really, the only thing I have is this moment. Thinking too much about the future or the past is a trigger for me, and while my triggers hardly have a voice anymore, I respect that from time to time they still exist.
Respect is a quality I’ve learned since finding recovery. I respect that the voice of my ED might always be with me and that’s okay because I’m not scared of it anymore. I can now finally laugh at the little voice that pops up, trying to tell me that I’m fat. Rather than rationalize or give in, I can acknowledge its presence and then do something loving for myself instead. An example of this might be going for a walk without distraction, looking at trees, houses, animals or simply observing the plethora of life in the neighbourhood that I call home. I also go to yoga, not for the exercise, but because it connects me with my breath. Breath practise helps me feel present and connected to the spiritual forces that love and protect me. Some days I skip exercise altogether without guilt. Also, now that I am recovered, I am able to allow myself a snack--not as a punishment or reward--but because my body craves it and knows it will be enjoyable. After the snack is finished, I can effortlessly move on. To most this may seem like a small act, but it gives me an overwhelming feeling of joy because for so long I yearned for this simple pleasure.
And that brings me back to why I now have gratitude for having suffered from bulimia for 15 years after initially thinking that it was absurd for anyone to be grateful for such an illness. Through recovery, I have been blessed with being able to experience joy in eating and finishing a meal. I have gratitude for a resilient body that has stood by me even when I put it through turmoil. I have gratitude for the power of recovery and the daily joy I feel for being able to take it one abstinent minute at a time. But perhaps the aspect that I love the most about my recovery from bulimia is the instant connection and understanding that I have with those who have also suffered from either an eating disorder, insecurity, depression, or anxiety. I love listening to others’ stories. And, it's important to me that I share my own story of strength and hope.
Recovery is possible. It is a beautiful feeling that only gets better, one abstinent minute at a time.
