By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer
With each passing week, the COVID-19 pandemic continues to alter our lives. For many, including myself, the dramatic changes have been accompanied by psychological stress. Old eating disorder narratives have been reignited for me. It is my goal to call out these harmful thoughts through writing this three-part blog. Please click here if you missed Part One. This post explores my experience with what I have found to be a particularly significant trigger of eating disorder (ED) behaviour: isolation and loneliness.
In the interest of “flattening the curve,” social-distancing and self-isolation have not only become new norms but also expectations. However, from an evolutionary and biological perspective, humans are social creatures--there’s a reason why solitary confinement is the worst type of imprisonment. Although effective at containing the virus, forced isolation is problematic for our mental health. I’ve been experiencing the effects of isolation first hand, as feelings of loneliness have been threatening to evoke past ED tendencies.
I’m a textbook introvert. I’ve always needed to re-charge my energetic batteries with a lot of “me” time. But stretch an afternoon of solitude into anything longer than a few days and my thoughts will begin to over-steep like a forgotten cup of tea. Overthinking will quickly darken my usually optimistic outlook and that, my friends, is the space where my ED voice can become emboldened. Eating disorders thrive in the ruminating thoughts that accompany isolation.
As an aforementioned introvert, I hadn’t realized until now just how important my social circle is for my overall well-being. Uplifting friends provide inspiration and support while also reflecting back positive attributes within myself. Not being able to spend time with these people has me feeling lonely. Pre-recovery, loneliness would have me searching for ways to numb-out and lately, ED has been raising its hand again to volunteer. To which I respond, “Thank you for your interest, but you're no longer a suitable match for this job.”
Truthfully, I don’t want to numb-out loneliness. Any type of emotional pain is information and this particular pain is informing me that I have an amazing friend network that is worthy of being missed. Also, contrary to what the ED would have me believe, these friends miss me in the same way. So, there is no need to spiral back down into a secretive illness of shame when I can choose to simply reach out to others. There was a time when I considered my eating disorder to be my friend, and even though it may be attempting to reach out to me now, I will no longer answer its calls. Friends off. Blocked and deleted.
Instead, I will make a daily effort to stay connected to as many wonderful people as possible through technology. I’ve already had “FaceTime Teatime” dates and long phone calls with a number of my friends (almost daily with my family) and it’s made all the difference in keeping my thoughts in a positive space. I also have friends who I know I can express my ED vulnerabilities to, along with an outstanding therapist who I can always count on to help me feel centred and strong. I’ve also realized that the most important person I have in my life is ME. I’m finally beginning to trust in my ability to be my own best friend, to truly experience my emotions and to self-soothe instead of self-sabotage.
When I pay attention to all the ways in which I am loved and supported by others, I am filled with immense gratitude that leaves little room for any gloomy ED thoughts. Make a list of who you know you can depend on and reach out to those people. Remember this: you are not alone; you are not even alone in feeling alone. We are all connected right now, more than ever, even if it may not seem like it.
This week’s mantra is: I will make connecting with the people I love a daily priority. I will reach out if I need help and simply for the sake of reaching out. I am loved and supported by so many people.
Talk to you all again next week, in Part Three!
Sophie
