By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer
Since negative body image and preoccupation with food and exercise are the defining aspects of an eating disorder, Part One of this blog series focuses on my experience with these topics, amidst the Covid-19 outbreak. If you missed the introduction to this series, please click here:
A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store to purchase ingredients for my work-week meal prep. One of my staples is chickpeas. But there were no chickpeas. Not even the expensive, organic kind. Furthermore, the other essentials on my list also appeared to be dwindling in supply. Anxious thoughts ran through my mind: “What if I am unable to eat the way I normally eat? What if the healthy foods that I most commonly purchase are no longer available? What will happen if I am forced to sustain myself off of foods that have triggered me in the past”? Stockpiling on fresh produce was not logical - unless I owned a family of ten rabbits - and loading up on processed pantry items filled me with a dread that I hadn’t experienced since the thick of my eating disorder struggles. Familiar fear caught me off guard in the form of labelling foods as “good” and “bad.”
COVID-19 has brought about the sudden closure of most businesses. This includes my beloved spin and boxing studios, along with all commercial gyms. Like my relationship with my body, my relationship with exercise has a tumultuous past. I’ve worked hard to rebuild this relationship from a foundation of self-love, strength and endorphins. Yet...no more early morning spin classes with double attack tracks? No post-boxing muscle soreness? This has become a concern for me. I catch myself overthinking what I make for dinner, due to a quietly nagging fear that I haven’t “earned” it that day. Self-quarantine means spending much more time than usual indoors, which has me thinking about my energy expenditure more than I’d like to admit. And although I do enjoy them, I’m beginning to realize that I may have an unhealthy dependency on high-intensity fitness classes.
The combination of potential food scarcity and reduced physical activity has not been easy for me to deal with. I’ve had instances of mirror checking. Urges to restrict what I eat. Urges to measure my food and my body. Urges to run around my neighbourhood for two hours straight. But I won’t. And neither should you. Here’s why.
I know from lived experience that the consequences of not giving my body the fuel it needs will FAR outweigh the consequences of eating foods I may label as “bad.” Furthermore, the concept of “good” and “bad” food labelling is something I’ve worked too hard to rid my mind of. I will not abandon myself OR my health in favour of repetitious lies from my ED - who, at this point, is beginning to display a major lack of creativity. I refuse to sink back into the depths of an unsustainable, low-energy existence. My body is intelligent. I know that I can trust my body and, in turn, I must ensure that it can trust ME. I will give it the energy that it unconditionally deserves by NOT restricting what I eat.
Despite my love of high-intensity exercise regimes, I know that calorie-torching workouts are not a prerequisite for loving myself, nor are they the key to health. And believe me, not only is running around your neighbourhood for two whole hours unspeakably boring, it can result in shin splints and hormonal imbalances. I won’t do it. Instead, I will choose to embrace new forms of movement. I will go for walks and listen to my favourite podcasts. I will dance in my apartment. I will stream YouTube yoga classes and moderate at-home workouts. Most importantly, I will stop obsessing over the frequency and intensity of my workouts and instead, truly listen to what my body craves in terms of movement. Sometimes, this may look like a day with no movement at all, which is completely okay! I choose to view exercise as a way to shift stagnant energy through my body, not as a way to maintain any type of physical aesthetic.
And there you have it. An honest account of what has been surfacing for me in terms of food, exercise and body image, as a result of the COVID-19 reality. If you are struggling to any degree, I hope you’ve found this relatable, helpful and hopeful.
My mantra for this week is: I trust and accept my body exactly as it is. I respect my body and therefore myself, by giving it the energy that it needs and by making self-loving exercise a priority. Try making it yours too.
Be sure to check back next week for Part 2 of this series!
Sophie.
