Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer
The third and final part of this blog series addresses a theme common to both eating disorders (ED) and the world's current consciousness: uncertainty and the need to feel in control. If you missed the previous posts in this series please click here.
The past month and a half has been filled with suspense. We nervously await updates from political leaders and health authorities, while trying to maintain our footing on ever-shifting terrain. Navigating life during this pandemic is comparable to hitting clear-air turbulence in an aircraft--sudden, unpredictable and out of control.
Faced with so much uncertainty, it is tempting to become obsessively focused on what can be controlled such as, body image and appearance. I am personally familiar with this unhealthy coping mechanism. During the time I lived with an ED, I fixated on controlling my appearance as if my peace of mind depended on it. Ironically, nothing could have been farther from the truth. Focusing on food, weight and appearance, with the intention to feel in control, is a recipe for disaster. Lately, I’ve really had to remind myself of this.
As a flight attendant, I’ll be out of work for the foreseeable future. COVID-19 has caused major fallout for the airline and many other industries. I love my job. Despite my attempts to be optimistic, temporarily losing my job has brought feelings of sadness, helplessness and a lack of purpose. I’ve experienced, with new clarity, the correlation between feelings of uncertainty and the frequency with which ED thoughts try to tempt me with the promise of “control.” I’ve observed myself being drawn back to the idea of restricting food in the hope of controlling something in my life. I’ve considered buying fitness programs, following strict meal plans, measuring and counting... all fleeting attempts to find peace amidst life's current chaos. But I’ve been here before and so instead I am choosing to remind myself of the truth.
An eating disorder will not bring me control. Quite the opposite, it will control me. I know that restriction will lead to binging, purging, obsession and anxiety. All of which are the opposite of what I want for myself. I also know that choosing to restrict my food leads to the restriction of other things in my life: joy, creativity, spontaneity, laughter and everything else that makes life worth living. In the past, I’ve lost these things to an eating disorder and I won’t let this happen again.
There is so much more to eating disorders than food and weight. It took me some time to realize that my preoccupation with those things was only a symptom of deeper issues. It wasn’t until I started uncovering the root causes of my behaviour that I realized that fear, inadequacy and uncertainty constituted the core of my pain which, in turn, motivated my unhealthy behaviours. It was only when I confronted these feelings at their source that my eating disorder began to wilt and die. Along the way, I learned that tending to these underlying issues is not a one time cure, but instead a continual process.
This form of self-care is more important than ever right now. Anxiety about my body’s appearance is a red flag warning me of hidden emotional pain that I still need to address.
Despite feeling as if I have no control over what’s going on in the world or in my life, I know that I always have full control over one thing: my response. I will choose to respond to this crisis from a place of love and empowerment. I will choose to not give my power away to ED’s darkness. Instead, I will ask myself: What can I learn from this? What are the “silver linings” to be found through this?
I find certainty in the pursuit of these answers. I find control within my agency and I know for sure that: I am the creative director of my life. I am the gardener of my thoughts. And although I have no control over what life throws at me, I have full control over what I choose to do about it. And so do you.
This week’s mantra is: it is okay to admit that life is uncertain and scary right now. And although I don’t have control over what’s happening, I do have control over my response to it. I have control over how I choose to show up for others, for the world and for myself.
Sophie
