By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer
My eating disorder (ED) has been dead to me for a while now, and I am strongly committed to keeping it that way. I’ve been diligent in my efforts to heal over the past two years and, as a result, can proudly say that now recovery is the liberating space in which the majority of my thoughts reside. A normal day in my life is ED-free. However, I know I speak for everyone when I say that recent life has not been normal.
The Covid-19 virus has swiftly knocked the wind out of any preconceived notion of “normalcy,” leaving in its wake physical, psychological and economic turmoil. If you’re anything like me, the past few weeks have been a blur of grappling with sudden change, whilst jumping between thoughts of “What? How can this be real?” and “Wow...This is actually happening.” Nothing like a pandemic to start off the new decade…
It’s hard to say which is more contagious--the coronavirus itself or the fear that it invokes? “Hysteria. Chaos. Panic,” all of these words describe the times we currently find ourselves in. I’m sure usage of the word “unprecedented” is also at a record high. And all for good reason: this is a chaotic and unprecedented crisis. Covid-19, and the strange circumstances it has brought with it, are proving difficult for everyone. We, as a world-wide collective, were not prepared for this virus nor were we prepared for its psychological side effects.
As mentioned, I consider myself to be fully recovered from my eating disorder. Yet, I’ve recently been revisited by the still familiar inner voice of ED dialogue. It belittles and taunts me, trying to persuade me back to maladaptive and self-harming behaviours. It promises me a sense of control amidst all of this uncertainty. And...I’ve almost listened to it. ALMOST.
I find no shame in admitting that the unfamiliar reality caused by Covid-19 threatens to reawaken a mental illness that I’ve fought so hard to overcome. It certainly does. Throughout this, I am aware that I have the potential--but more importantly, the choice-- to revert back to harmful coping mechanisms. But that is not what I will choose to do.
Instead, I will choose to connect. I’ve observed my thoughts and feelings over the past few days and have categorized them into three main groups. This will thus be a three-part blog series where I will discuss these thoughts and feelings, why I choose to not listen to them, and the healthy tools that work for me in combating them. Throughout, I want to communicate my thoughts and feelings honestly and openly because I know that I am not alone in feeling them. None of us are alone in this.
Stay tuned for Part One!
