Silver Linings' Blog Library
All posts are curated by recovered individuals with lived experience of an eating disorder(s).
By Adele Fox
Registered Psychologist
Silver Linings Board member and clinical advisor
For most people, the holiday season is a wonderful time of year. It is all about families, friends and coworkers reuniting, socializing and celebrating. Yet for those who suffer with eating disorders, often this can be the worst time of the year. For those trapped in the private hell of an eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, the holidays can magnify their personal struggles and cause them great internal pain and turmoil.
The overwhelming prevalence of food during the holiday season makes coping with an eating disorder extraordinarily difficult. Turn on the television and you are greeted by an advertisement for sumptuous Christmas fare; go to the supermarket and you are bombarded by brightly packaged goodies; go to a family gathering and you are offered food, food and more food. All of this is far from “merry”.
An alcoholic can avoid drinking situations. A compulsive gambler can avoid betting shops. But altogether avoiding eating and food is simply not possible. Therefore Christmas, with its preoccupation with feasting, often can invoke for those with eating disorders, overwhelming feelings of panic, anxiety, fear and even revulsion.
In addition to food excess, the holiday season is characterized by an increase in media advertisements promoting weight loss and other appearance-related motivations for entering the New Year. For someone with an eating disorder, this too can worsen symptoms.
Lastly, for many there may also be social pressure to eat with relatives or friends who do not know about their struggles with food, eating or body image, and who may unintentionally expose or criticize these struggles. The distress and anxiety provoked by this can be so severe as to cause tears, panic attacks, angry outbursts or total avoidance. Tension and arguments may also ensue.
So as you can see, Christmas is not a particularly “merry” time for those with eating disorders and their loved ones. However, we have some suggestions for managing and supporting the illness during the holiday season that we believe can reduce stress and increase peace of mind.
1) For someone struggling with an eating disorder
Be Proactive! The holiday is not a time to challenge yourself, but rather a time to embrace as much joy as possible by setting your environment up for success. Plan out when you will eat meals and snacks, what they will be and who will be present, as this will enable you to have as predictable and safe an experience as possible.
Prioritize. The holidays can be a whirlwind of parties, gift exchanges and visiting family and friends. This can add stress and compound what is already difficult. Scale back on events and obligations to give yourself time to relax and recharge.
Have an exit strategy so that if you become overwhelmed you can make an escape. Tell people you can not stay long as you have something to do or someone waiting for you or ask a trusted friend to call you at a certain time as a reason to step away. Try to avoid putting yourself in situations where you have no control over being able to take care of yourself.
Eat regularly. Do not starve yourself in anticipation of Christmas dinner or an event. This can lead to an increase in symptoms and stress. Eating 3 meals and 2-3 snacks a day will better enable you to manage your urges and supply your body with the proper fuel it needs.
Take a time out if having to eat at a buffet or family style (food in serving dishes on the table). When you sit down for a family style meal, review all the food options, unless you are able to find these out ahead of time, and then excuse yourself in order to breathe and visualize what you will choose for your plate. Similarly at a buffet, do a walkabout of the food table and then step back and consciously make your food selections. Fake a bathroom break if you need more time to plan! Remember that even though there are numerous food items to choose from, you do not have to choose them all.
Limit your alcohol intake. Alcohol can cause you to become disinhibited and lead to binging/purging behaviors and difficulties with managing your emotions. As well, you may find yourself being reluctant to eat because you believe that you have already consumed your calories in alcohol.
Take one or two food items that are safe for you if attending a house function, so that, worst case scenario, you will feel comfortable eating something. Another option is to plan to arrive at a function after the meal to simply partake in the after dinner component.
Most of all, do not let your eating disorder monopolize your holiday. Take the time to acknowledge all of the things around you that do put a smile on your face: a loved one’s bad singing voice, your friend’s crazy holiday sweater, lights on a tree or your co-worker’s antics at the office party!
2) For loved ones
Avoid talking about dieting and making weight/shape or appearance related comments. If you want to share a compliment, focus on non-appearance related traits: a person’s laugh, how their eyes light up when they smile or their great sense of humor or intelligence.
The holidays are not the time to cheerlead or challenge a loved who has an eating disorder. Doing so may only draw unwanted attention and cause added stress. If you are not sure what your loved one needs ask them. Saying “What do you need me to say or do that can help you with this?” is a great way to find out how to be supportive. If you think that a family member may not take well to this then reconsider inviting them.
If possible, serve meals in the kitchen so that there is not an abundance of food on the table. Also, ensure that you have a protein item that your loved one will eat. Serve fun foods (chocolates, candy, dessert items) at set times or lay these out for a limited time only then put them away or send them home with guests.
Take the focus off food and appearance. Board games, watching a movie, making a snowman and attending holiday events in the community can all take the focus off the stressors someone with an eating disorder is navigating.
Take care of yourself too! Make sure that you have support such as a therapist, a trusted friend, online support groups or literature on the recovery process. Loving someone who is struggling with an eating disorder can be exhausting and stressful.
3) Here is some additional information that can be helpful:
With best holiday wishes. May you not only survive but thrive this holiday season!
by guest blogger, J.C.
The number of healthcare professionals who didn't take my eating disorder seriously was frustrating, discouraging and often just another pain-point for my eating disorder to latch on to. I felt as though I was perceived as just another overly-dramatic, insecure woman trying to lose weight... Chasing the perceived “glamorous” lifestyle of celebrities on the tabloid covers.
“Glamourous” Example #1- “What do I smell?”, my mom said as she came into the basement where my bedroom was. “I dunno?”, I said from behind my closed bedroom door. I sat, barricaded in a corner by food wrappers, containers of partially digested food, grocery bags still full of food, not yet touched. Three big, black garbage bags were piled in my closet where full days worth of spat-out food and garbage already accumulated. Double-bagged and yet, the smell of the rotting food still filled the bottom floor of my parents’ house. I pretended I had no idea what she was talking about. Too ashamed to admit to anything and unsure of how to explain myself, I would wait until no one was home before sneaking the bags into my mom’s car, finding a public garbage can and dumping them without anyone noticing.
“Glamourous'' Example 2- I had planned on going to a movie with a friend and for the ten-thousandth time, I cancelled at the last minute. I was literally already in the theatre parking lot and cancelled via text, ten minutes before the movie started. I was too consumed by my eating disorder to do anything remotely positive. It was 11:30 pm and I felt tired, isolated and scared for my own well-being. I sat in my car outside of the movie theatre, with stacks of chewed and spat-out food next to me in random fast food containers. A fast food cup of my own urine sat in the cup holder because I was too immersed in my addiction to even go find a public washroom to use. The car stank, it was late and I felt both tired and sick. I was also another $100 in debt after engaging in only one hour of my behavior.
My eating disorder went through many phases of presenting symptoms. I could write an entire book describing these phases, detailing how they made me feel and how I recovered. However, for this post, I want to discuss a particular part of my journey that is seldom talked about... All I wanted as I was going through this part of my journey was to read something similar to what I’m currently sharing: To know that someone else understands the absolute hell of this specific behavior and that I wasn’t “extra crazy”. However, it was rarely talked about in treatment or on the internet or anywhere else, for that matter. I was doing things people wouldn't normally do, things I didn't want to be doing, things that were jeopardizing my health, finances, relationships and growth every single day. I wanted someone to know but was too ashamed to say “this is what I spend most of my time doing... Help me, please.”
I have had an unbelievable fear of vomiting ever since I was a child. As much as my eating disorder wanted me to, purging through vomiting was never a behavior for the first ten years of my life with an eating disorder. However, there was only so long I could engage in calorie restriction and obsessive exercise before my body's survival mode flooded my brain with an uncompromising urge to feast...In came the act of chewing my food and then spitting it out. This became my behavior of choice for about five years. My eating disorder saw it as a trick to make my brain think I had eaten when I hadn't. Obviously, that's not at all how it actually worked. After engaging in this behaviour, I would always feel nauseous, light-headed and craving more food. Not to mention absolutely exhausted. Considerable time was lost to this behavior, ignoring all other responsibilities and people for what ended up being years of my life. I never lost weight, nor did I ever feel better about myself. Instead, I felt hungover, depressed and sick. In fact, this behaviour left me in a far worse place than I could have ever imagined: Dental problems, trashed vehicles and the maxing out of a $20,000 credit card. Yet, these were the least of my problems. I had broken relationships with family and friends and a complex road to recovery ahead of me.
It took years of treatment, support groups, therapy, and personal growth to finally slow down and stop this behaviour. I can’t quite say which treatment helped me the most as I think I gained support and tools from all of them. The personal growth that was necessary in order to recover from this behavior allowed me to step outside of myself. I began to see exactly how I was hurting my body. This self-torture was not fair. I reached a point where I’d had enough. I knew that I deserved a better life. I understood and could feel that continuing this behavior was drastically holding me back in so many areas. Life was passing me by and I felt beaten down. Although the behaviour didn't come to a screeching halt all at once, it did slow down over time. Weaning myself off of the eating disorder felt like quitting an addictive drug. Recovery required a lot of patience and forgiveness. I used to swear that I was someone who could never get better… But I did. And so can you.
To anyone who finds themselves trapped in a similar type of hell or any version of mental or physical pain, I get it. I truly do. And you know what I’ve learned, now that I’m on the other side? We grow through what we go through. That’s the silver lining!
Do you feel a sense of hopelessness when it comes to eating disorder recovery? Silver Linings Foundation has a variety of resources and support groups to guide you through the process. Check out our free Video Resource Library and current support groups. Recovery is possible.
By guest blogger, Sonja F.
Highway drives through forest and brush used to bore me. Now, views once met with an anywhere-but-in-the-moment/“I can’t wait until we get there” attitude are met with my eyes peeled, darting from stem to stem, analyzing, absorbing and experiencing…Are they straight or tilted, thick or thin, condensed or sparse? How do they fit into their surroundings, and what do they look like compared to their neighbours? What is their appendage composition? Are they long and thin, thick and wavy, lush or fallen?
I’m talking, of course, about The Trees.
Did you know that The Trees were here before you, are here now, and will be here long after you? Well, there was a time that I certainly didn’t consider this. I was too consumed with my suffering. I never thought of the beings with whom I shared an imperative, oxygen/carbon dioxide exchange with. I walked alongside them- these green beauties, these life-sources- with my eyes to the earth, rolling the past and future over in my head. Me me me.
Living with an eating disorder will do that… Take away the ability to be even the slightest bit outside of yourself. Sure, I’d experienced beauty: Sunsets, rainbows, and breathtaking scenery… Yet, where was I? I would look at a mountain range and only think of how I wished my thigh gap was wider. A white sand beach would incite disordered mind-fucks such as “I should try harder to lose weight so I look better in my bikini.” Ironically, when I sat in a car for hours on end, it felt as if my self-destructive, eating disorder riddled thoughts matched the number of trees I passed by. The trees were there, almost as if they were humbly waiting to be recognized, but I never saw them.
A Douglas Fir was the first tree I truly saw. I was walking through Stanley Park with a good friend, and we stopped at a three hundred year old Douglas Fir. This tree was spectacular. Her base was four meters in diameter and, while her top had fallen during a windstorm, she still stood proud and gentle. I had walked past her many times and I wondered if she recognized me. Was she glad to see me? Beautiful slabs of bark in dark, brown striations, year-round needles of a rich, green hue, and protective branches that reached out parallel to the forest floor. She was a massive work of art and towered high above all else. A kind of emmensity that, if the stars aligned, could fall and kill anyone in an instant. A type of power that demands respect. When I noticed this Douglas Fir, I started to notice other trees. Next came the Hemlock, Spruce, Ash, Cedar and Birch. I love the leaves of an Oak, the majestic nature of a Maple, and the shiny leaves of a Poplar as they sparkle in the wind. If you ever have the pleasure of seeing a Catulpa in spring, be sure to stop and absorb its unparalleled radiance.
Recovery from an eating disorder will do that… Open your eyes to the experiences, environment, and beauty in the nature around you. Recovery will give you an opportunity to sit in stillness... To enjoy and interact with life’s simple pleasures. Strolling alongside the trees and identifying them by genus is a fun hobby that very much fulfills me. However, what’s even more rewarding is driving down an old street I haven’t been down in years and looking at the trees- seeing them, as if for the first time. And, while they were always there, I now have the freedom to focus on them and not my pain. What a beautiful change of pace. Tree tree tree.
by Heather Hendrie, guest blogger
“Is this my life? Or am I breathing underwater?”
~Metric
Despite my early life as a competitive swimmer and lifeguard, I didn’t realize I was drowning until it was too late. I developed anorexia at age fourteen and the disease held me hostage until I finally found my way out. Here's a hot tip on how I made it through, darlings: It sure wasn’t through trying harder.
The eating disorder arose through the perfect storm. By perfect, I mean a rare combination of adverse events that hit me all at once: I got my period, I noticed a cute guy, my supposed “bestie” started to bully, and then worst of all, ignored me... And, underlying it all, I’m a woman who’s grown up in a patriarchy. The end result was that I got very sick for a very long time.
I lost the plot after swimming the best race of my life- A race that qualified me for the provincial championships. Shortly before that, I had begun to moderately restrict my diet… However, I didn’t realize I’d gone off the deep end until I was well and truly drowning. After that race I decided I’d achieved my objectives and I could stop starving myself, except that…I couldn’t. I can’t tell you how scary that feeling was. It is something that can only be understood if you’ve found yourself trapped in an addiction. My attempts to control took over. It was as if I’d successfully leashed the monster under my bed until it started to drag me through the streets on my face. I couldn’t free myself from the leash, no matter my road rash.
Before this happened, I was involved in what I thought was merely a harmless experiment to manipulate my body and athletic performance. I actually felt excited when a speaker came to us in Grade 6 to talk about her experience of anorexia. I left her presentation with the take-home message of “Cool! There’s a disease that makes you skinny!”.
Clearly, this was not the intent of her presentation, and the fact that I took away what I did highlights that there is something very wrong with our society. I grew up in the era of Kate Moss emaciation/heroin-chic. And did I mention I live in a patriarchy? The speaker certainly did not point out that eating disorders are amongst the most lethal of mental health conditions.
Prior to that presentation, I hadn’t thought much about what my body looked like. I was delighted with my athleticism and my energetic, strong, pre-pubescent body. However, I had clearly and unconsciously swallowed some of the toxic messaging in my environs, privileging “slim” women. Or, it could have been that when my breasts began to bud, I freaked out and decided I didn’t want to become a woman at all. Who would want to be a woman in a world where men have all the power?
That being said, it has never resonated with me when people suggest that eating disorders are simply about food or body image. In my experience, it wasn’t like that. Yes, my body image became distorted, but that was a symptom, not the cause. It was only once I got very sick that fat became scary. I was well below my healthy weight when an unrecognizable and grotesque figure returned my horrified gaze from the mirror. The reality was that I was slowly and methodically taking up less and less space. I was ceasing to exist. Anorexia pulled me under because I had no clue how else to manage my pain. The eating disorder was the maladaptive way I tried to love and soothe myself. It didn’t work. Things got really hard. So I tried harder. And darlings, as you know, trying harder didn’t work at all.
It was terrifying. I was always scared and always cold. I shivered uncontrollably at 5am on the hard tile of the swimming pool deck. The smallest of sounds hit me like a hammer. Tiny, downy hairs sprouted over my back and face in a final bid to keep me warm. Though I kept striving harder, I was losing muscle by the minute and couldn’t swim like I used to.
Nights were the hardest.
In daylight, I’d learned to override my needs, yet, at night, I was too tired to resist. My eyes wide, I remember lying in bed, starving, thinking only of the cookie jar. Laying as still as possible, I squeezed my eyes shut, praying and begging for the salvation of sleep that wouldn’t come. I couldn't stop thinking about the cookies. I dragged my exhausted bones from bed and padded down the hall, pressing myself against the wall by my parents’ bedroom to avoid the one creaky stair. In the darkness of the kitchen, I quietly lifted the glass lid to sneak just one cookie from the jar. Then I needed another. And another. Eventually my thoughts shut down completely as I shovelled cookies into my mouth faster and faster, ignoring the ache of my bloated stomach. All the cookies were gone, yet I still felt empty.
Dad arrived at 3am and flicked on the switch, flooding the darkness with light. He didn’t say a word as I stood in the spotlight, gulping desperately from the mouth of the maple syrup bottle. He just stood there lovingly, held out his hand, and gently led me back to bed.
Tonight, a dear friend (also named Heather) lies in a hospital bed, fighting the same demons I once did. Visiting hours are over and it’s dark out. But still, I can write her this letter. I reflect on how easily this could also read as a message to my own younger, sweet and suffering self:
~
Dearest Heather,
You’re not alone right now, ok?
I know it feels that way because as you know, I’ve been there too. Here’s what I have to tell you from over here on the other side. I am well now. I don’t mean that I’m “in recovery”, or that I eat healthy meals. I mean that I am well. I mean that when I’m in pain, I can handle just feeling it. I mean that when I feel good, I can just feel good. I mean that I love myself and I know how to show up for myself in new and better ways.
Heather, I bet it feels like you’re drowning right now. That’s what it was like for me. I could barely breathe. I clutched desperately at anything that might help me feel ok for just a single second. I don’t have to do that anymore, because finally, one day, I surrendered. I stopped trying and just…learned how to float. I am safely on shore now, Heather, and from here I can keep my eye on you.
I see you sweetheart. You’re not alone. I’m not going anywhere. I promise you that.
Love,
Heather
~
If you currently resonate with the themes and sentiments within Heather’s story, know that you are not alone. Help is available. Registration is currently open for our virtual support groups. Click here to register.
~
Heather Hendrie is a wilderness therapist, outdoor guide, environmental and social justice crusader, an aunt, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend and a lover of nature. She walks with folks in the woods every day both in person and virtually through her private practice in clinical mental health counselling- True Nature Wilderness Therapy. Heather is also a freelance writer and maintains a blog of her own.
You can follow Heather’s journey on Instagram at@truenaturewildernesstherapy and@heather.hendrie
Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings blogger
These days, it feels like the news is a constant cycle of negativity. The grief and struggle in the world right now is palpable: The ongoing pandemic, the horrifying discovery at former residential schools, racial inequality, massive heat waves across western North America…
It’s a lot to take in and especially difficult for those experiencing their own struggles in the midst of a world that, at times, feels almost broken.
For me, eating disorder behaviours were once an escape from the chaos I felt surrounded by. Amidst the anxiety of what felt like an out of control world, my eating disorder was a portal to manage the two things I felt I could: My body and food.
Even after four years of sustained recovery, when life begins to feel out of control the old urges to focus on my weight and shape try to pop back up.
Now, rather than acting on these thoughts, they remind me that what I’m really craving is a sense of comfort, security and order. Here are some ways that help me feel grounded and less prone to defaulting to old coping mechanisms when life feels a little too much:
1. Find genuine sources of comfort
To me, food used to serve as both a source of comfort and distress. I would numb myself with food and exercise, falsely believing that this provided me with security. In recovery, I have had to find healthy sources of comfort to replace these unhealthy coping patterns. I encourage you to take some time to reflect on what this could look like for you. It could be something such as taking a bath, spending time with a pet, curling up in your favourite cozy clothes and watching a movie you’ve seen a thousand times. It’s important to identify which healthy practises feel safe and comfortable to you, and remembering to access them when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
2. Focus on what’s going right
Often, when we’re caught in a cycle of fear or anxiety, it can feel like everything is going
wrong. Make a practice of taking a couple of minutes each evening to review everything that went right during the day! These could be small things like talking to a friend, doing a couple hours of work/studying, or completing your grocery shopping. Review your day and think of five things that you’re grateful for. Oftentimes, focusing on the little things, even as small as having warm water for a shower, helps bring us back to the moment and can lessen feelings of overwhelm.
3. Get outside!
I can’t stress enough how important nature has been throughout my recovery. Nature, to me, is the ultimate tool to ground myself. Witnessing a breathtaking sunset, squirrels playing on the power lines, or the feeling of the wind ruffling my hair reminds me of the things that are going right in the world. Seeing the beautiful mist rising over the little pond behind my house while I was walking before work the other morning was enough to give me a sense of serenity and peacefulness, despite all the negative news we’ve been inundated with recently.
It’s important to remember that your number one priority amidst the ups and downs of life is your own health and recovery. Like they say in airplane safety briefings before take-off: You must put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.
Take a moment for you today, away from the noise of the world, to prioritise your health and well-being ☺︎.
By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings Blogger
Having an eating disorder can be lonely.
When recovery feels most challenging, it’s important to feel supported. Forms of support may come from our therapists, family members and friends…
However, despite these amazing support systems, recovery might call for someone who truly gets it.
There are few connections more mutually healing than those of shared life-experience. It is for this reason that peer mentor support in eating disorder (ED) recovery is so incredibly effective.
An ED peer mentor is:
❥ A carefully trained volunteer with lived-experience
❥ An ally
❥ A recovery cheerleader
❥ A listening ear
❥ An understanding support system
❥ A friend
❥ Living proof that recovery from an eating disorder is possible!
An ED peer mentor will:
❥ Receive thorough training and be supervised in their mentorship by an ED therapist
❥ Communicate with mentees (individuals being mentored) on a weekly basis through text, email, video and phone calls (depending on communication preferences established)
❥ Create a safe space for their mentees to be heard
❥ Provide empathy and understanding, free of judgement
❥ Act as a “recovery buddy” to mentees
❥ Provide support to mentees between therapy sessions
❥ Answer mentee’s questions from the “other side” of recovery, providing hope that recovery from an eating disorder is possible
How is the role of a peer mentor different from the role of a therapist?:
Think of ED recovery like a forest- A therapist guides the mentee to navigate the path of recovery, the mentee walks the path and the peer mentor walks alongside, providing encouragement and connection along the way.
A peer mentor says:
“I’ve been here before. I’ve walked in your shoes and I remember what it’s like. You’re not alone in this. Furthermore, you can get through it...because I did. I’m walking this path alongside you. You can do this.”
Have you recovered from an eating disorder? Does becoming a peer mentor interest you?
Silver Linings Foundation is currently accepting applications for our premier Peer Mentor Support Team. Please apply here.
Are you currently in recovery and interested in working with a mentor? Reach out to us and let us know! In the meantime, hold tight. Our soon-to-be Peer Mentor Team is so excited to support you.
By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings Blogger
If eating disorder recovery was an island and I was forced to choose only one thing to bring with me, I would choose music.
I believe that music is a source of healing... Music, to me, is connection.
My Eating Disorder Recovery Playlist is a collection of songs that have helped me through my darkest days and speaks to all stages of the recovery process.
Listen to this playlist when you feel defeated, lonely, tired, proud, frustrated, scared, joyful, overcome, hopeful, angry, excited, daunted, triumphant and everything else in between.
Hunger- Florence and the Machine
Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine draws from her own lived experience with an ED, conveying overarching themes of coping and control through this song’s philosophical lyrics.
Back In My Body- Maggie Rogers
A grounded, celebratory song filled with relief and self awareness.
Fear & Loathing- MARINA
A “light is coming through the window and I will pick myself up off the floor” kind of track by the queen of honest pop, Marina Diamandis.
All is Full of Love- Björk
I’ve cried in the darkness of my bedroom often to this song. Bjork has succeeded in composing the lyrical equivalent of a weighted blanket.
Easier- CamelPhat (feat. Lowes)
A song that empathizes with the drudgery and complexity of leaving unhealthy behaviors behind.
Stars & Moons- Dizzy
The whimsical Ontario band, Dizzy, delivers this delicate song like a gentle and understanding friend.
Don’t Stop- Fleetwood Mac
Not only a classic, but an upbeat reminder of better days ahead.
Dog Days Are Over- Florence and The Machine
My most frequently played song of the past 15 years. This is a track to really flail around to. Release whatever needs to be released.
Leave the War With Me- London Grammar
A hope-filled permission slip, encouraging the continuous process of surrender.
On A Good Day- OceanLab
Some electronic encouragement that good days DO exist.
Keeping Your Head Up- Birdy
An anthem to be reserved for moments that feel like rock bottom.
Medicine- Daughter
Pure empathy for feelings of sadness and defeat.
Last Hope- Paramore
This song just… understands.
Yellow- Coldplay
This song feels like sitting in direct sunlight with your eyes closed- comforting, validating, and pleasant.
Still Learning- Halsey
Halsey dispels myths of perfection and success by highlighting the continuous journey of both learning implementing the art of self-love.
By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer
“My body is not an ornament; it is the vehicle to my dreams.”
Taryn Brumfitt, Director of Embrace
For the past four years, I have been what I consider “fully recovered.” After a decade of struggling with an eating disorder, I’ve experienced and learned a lot. One thing that continues to concern me is the comments that are made about our own and others’ bodies.
I recently went to my doctor for a referral for a new mental health provider. At the appointment, she placed me on the scale for no apparent reason and went on to make comments and judgments about my weight. Now, as someone who has recovered, having medical professional pass comments on my weight (which is exactly where it should be for a healthy, recovered individual), was nothing short of devastating. Sadly, this is not the first time I have experienced these types of remarks from medical professionals* and others.
I recently watched a brilliant documentary called Embrace, by Taryn Brumfitt, a mother of 3 who became an unexpected leader of the body positivity movement, after publicly sharing a before and after picture that showed her “perfect body” (in the eyes of society) as the before picture and her real, healthy body as the after. The public response to this picture went viral and sparked her journey to produce this beautiful documentary.
During the film, Taryn travels around the world talking with women from multiple countries about external, socially constructed ideas about bodies versus the reality of what it really means to have a glorious, healthy body.
My biggest takeaway from both my own experiences and Taryn’s wise words is this: your body is not an ornament to be judged and rated; it is a vehicle to your dreams, an amazing gift that allows you to move through this world--experiencing it, pursuing your dreams, loving, learning and moving.
And while the journey towards embracing and changing the narrative around bodies is not something that will happen overnight, it is up to all of us to take a stand and refuse to make comments about someone else’s appearance or weight. Also, it is up to all of us to give our amazing vessels the respect and care that they deserve.
Benazir
*Silver Linings footnote. Your family physician can be a valuable resource and ally in your recovery journey. However, surrounding yourself with the medical/health professionals that are the right fit for you can take time and effort. Please persevere through this process. You deserve it. We offer a lot of helpful tools on our Resource pages. Check them out in the main menu.
By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings Volunteer
Perfectionism.
A fancy form of fear.
Red-lipped to keep mine shut.
Drenched in an eau de parfum
of guilt and shame
that my good is never good enough.
And perfect is a pale pink hue
I must paint myself
with self-torment
and torrents of tears.
-shb
The words above were inspired by feelings of deep inadequacy as a body, as a human and as a female. I write this with the full awareness that I am not alone in feeling the aesthetic pressures of being a woman.
“Long legs, small waist, long hair, full lips, smooth skin, tall but not too tall, petite but curvy in the right ways, toned and strong but not too muscular, large breasts, doe-like eyes with long eyelashes, eternally youthful, dainty, small...pretty.”
These are the current requirements for a female to achieve physical perfection: a list so extensive and contradictory that it would take nothing short of obliterating our natural bodies to achieve it. Yet, we do: we diet, we strive, we focus, we starve, we wither. And as our bodies succumb to the empty promise of happiness via perfection, so do we.
March 8th was International Women's Day: a day to highlight women's rights, to be cognizant of the progressive steps that have been made and space there is yet to cover. This year, let’s pay attention to the dangerous lies we are told about our worth in relation to our appearance. Let’s call out the psychological control of the media, the fashion and beauty industries and the dolls that we buy for our daughters.
Studies have revealed that 70% of women believe that they would be treated better if they looked more like the beauty ideal they see in the media. Hating ourselves takes up energy. Having an eating disorder takes up energy. Striving to change our bodies takes up energy. And 70% is a lot of women.
In honour of this year’s International Women's Day, let’s push for a shift in female perspective. Let’s aim to make way for a reality in which women take the energy they put towards changing their bodies and redirect it instead, towards changing the world.
https://psmag.com/news/when-obsession-with-beauty-becomes-a-disease
By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer
My past three winters have been highlighted by the excitement and emotion of helping organize Calgary’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week (EDAW). This involvement has been inspired by my own struggles with an eating disorder and the fulfillment I get from giving back to others in a practical and meaningful way. With activities ranging from yoga and prayer events, to cupcake and nutrition workshops, EDAW is always a special seven days in which education, empathy and connection flow. Held during the first week of February, this year’s EDAW was no different… except that in a lot of ways, it was.
EDAW 2021 was held virtually, which was an endeavor requiring extra creativity and adaptability from the Silver Linings’ staff and volunteer team, but worth every second and resulting in the success of several beautiful online events. In addition to the notable absence of physical attendance, I was struck by how this year’s EDAW felt so different from years past. As part of the organizing team, I had the opportunity to be behind the scenes for one of this year’s virtual events. Although I was immersed in the excitement and celebration of the event’s fruition, I couldn’t shake the eerie sense that I, too, was watching it all enfold from behind a screen. Is my zoom video on? Am I unmuted? How’s my connection? In all honesty, I’ve been struggling to connect to myself…
The Covid-19 pandemic and everything it entails has been profoundly challenging in regards to my mental health. ED tendencies and maladaptive coping mechanisms have tempted me often. As an ED survivor and awareness advocate, it’s not easy to admit that I’ve been struggling. I so often share my personal experiences to offer hope and encouragement! It’s for this reason that I experienced the strange feeling of being an imposter while organizing this year’s EDAW events.
I am strong. I am resilient. I have recovered. Yet, I am still struggling. And I know I am not the only one. As a result of the pandemic, Canada’s need for mental health support is at an all time high. The Calgary Distress Centre has seen a 77% increase in calls from those seeking help with feelings of anxiety, depression and loneliness. Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children has witnessed an unprecedented spike in eating disorder diagnoses of children and adolescents and demand for outpatient care has more than doubled in the past year. The same can be said for eating disorders in adults. Demand for Silver Linings’ programs is up as much as 112% over 2019. The anxiety and uncertainty as a result of the pandemic are clearly a perfect storm for eating disorders to develop, persist and return.
Life has felt far from normal, making eating disorder awareness initiatives, like EDAW, more important than ever. Please, wherever you are in your journey, know that you are not alone. You could be wondering if you have an eating disorder. You could be in the midst of recovery. You could be a worried parent, relative or friend. Or, like me, you could be recovered and feeling shame for still needing help. Please know that no matter your circumstance, you are deserving of support during this relentlessly unsettling time.
To learn more about the various eating disorder support groups offered by Silver Linings, please go https://www.silverliningsfoundation.ca.
By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings volunteer.
I was three years old on August 31, 1997, oblivious to the collective grief that gripped the globe following the death of Princess Diana. Until recently, my knowledge of the Princess of Wales has been limited to the fact that she was beautiful and loved by what seemed to be the entire world (including my mom). Today, twenty-some years after her death, I too find myself immersed in Princess Di’s ocean of adoration.
On the recommendation of a friend, I watched Diana: In Her Own Words on Netflix. I pressed play with an expectation of background noise or, at the most, a moderately interesting British history lesson. But by the end credits, I was full-body sobbing. Healing can often be found in the solace of shared experience... but the poignancy of such a public figure speaking openly of her struggles with bulimia and self-harm shook me to the core. I identified with her every word, feeling seen and understood in my own past battles of the same nature.
How, during all my twenty-six years, had I been unaware of the courageous vulnerability and mental health advocacy of Princess Diana? She was, in my estimation, the first celebrity to openly discuss having an eating disorder. More than two decades after her death, Diana remains an inspiring example of recovery. Here are three aspects of eating disorders that I believe Princess Diana illuminates through both her struggle and resilience.
Eating disorders are about so much more than physical appearance. Through her struggles with bulimia, Princess Diana proved that eating disorders are symptoms of emotional turmoil. They are not entirely about food and weight, as is often incorrectly believed. Princess Diana’s bulimia began shortly after she became a member of the British royal family. At 19 years of age, Diana went from being a kindergarten teacher’s aid in West London to a media obsession. This life-altering shift to life in the spotlight would soon be compounded by a stormy and restrictive marriage. She referred to her bulimia as an “escape mechanism” from the demands of her high-profile existence. She claimed that for her, bulimia was a side-effect of her unhappiness. “It was a symptom of what was going on in my marriage,“ she said. “I was crying out for help but people were using it as a coat on a hanger, claiming that (the bulimia) was the problem.”
When it comes to eating disorders, speaking up is not easy, but it is essential to healing. Diana described bulimia as “a secret disease that you inflict upon yourself because your self-esteem’s at a low ebb. You don’t think you’re worthy or valuable.” Eating disorders are known to thrive in secrecy and are often accompanied by the heaviness of shame. Diana described how hard it was for her to reach out for help: “When you have bulimia you’re very ashamed of yourself and you hate yourself, you don’t want to discuss it with people.” She struggled in silence for multiple years before beginning therapy.
Beyond recovering, Princess Diana further revolted against bulimia’s demands for secrecy in becoming one of the first celebrities to openly discuss having lived experience with an eating disorder. Her candidness created “The Diana Effect,' a phenomenon that saw a significant spike in access to eating disorder helplines and mental health resources. Through her bravery to be vulnerable, she gave permission for others to speak out about what was previously thought to be unspeakable.
Eating disorders do not define those who suffer from them. Amidst the pain of living with an eating disorder, it is possible to feel consumed and defined by your struggles. For this reason, recovery can seem daunting. Yet, Princess Diana proves that an eating disorder does not have the power to define you. I’m sure there were times when Diana felt complete hopelessness as if she would never succeed in escaping her illness. Evidently, nothing could have been further from the truth. Diana recovered, helped others to do the same and will forever be renowned for her work as a humanitarian. She transformed her pain into compassion and devoted herself to helping others feel seen and understood. No one thinks of Princess Diana and merely remembers her as someone with a mental illness. Even in the midst of her struggles, she was infinitely more than that. She is evidence that an eating disorder is not a life sentence or an identity. Instead, she serves as ever-living proof that an eating disorder can be overcome.
By Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings volunteer
The time of the year surrounding special holidays can be triggering for many. For those struggling with an eating disorder, this season can prove especially challenging for maintaining healthy boundaries around food and body image. The highs and lows of the holiday season can also amplify emotions and the focus on disordered eating and urges that often accompany them.
Therefore, this month I’d like to share a few tips on how to give yourself the greatest gift of all this holiday season: your recovery.
1) Make a Plan
The holidays can be a daunting time for many. Strained family relationships, loneliness, financial pressure and food & drink focused events can all add up to increased stress for those in recovery. To mitigate some of these stressors, it can be especially helpful to make a strong plan around the holidays to avoid triggering situations and prevent relapse. It may help to make this plan with a trusted counsellor or friend or family member who can guide you through organizing meals, activities, and building a schedule that promotes self-care.
2) Establish Boundaries
Sometimes those closest to us are those who trigger us the most. If you know that spending time with certain individuals or family members tends to be triggering for you, consider what boundaries you may need to set in advance. This could look like setting a time limit on how long you spend with someone, asking loved ones not to discuss food or weight when you are present or setting boundaries around gift-giving. Remember that setting boundaries can be a challenging skill to learn. Try not to feel discouraged if at first others push back against a new boundary. This is often a normal reaction when others are faced with change, which is why having a strong support community is very important.
3) Practice Self-Compassion & Forgiveness
As much as possible, try to focus on progress instead of perfection. Perfectionism often correlates with harmful thoughts and behaviours. To avoid being hard on yourself, try to think of yourself as you do a loved one or friend. Aim to treat and speak to yourself as you would someone who you care about. If the plan doesn’t go perfectly and triggers negative emotions, try not to beat yourself up. Remember that the holidays can be a difficult time for many and that you are not alone.
2020 has been a year full of unexpected twists and turns... As the year comes to a close, the happy festive season that we all expected is seemingly unrealistic. This month, however, try to give yourself the ultimate gift: your own wellbeing and recovery. Although holidays, seasons and feelings come and go, your recovery is the ultimate gift that keeps on giving.
Happy holidays to all and I look forward to being in touch next year!
By Sophie Balisky, volunteer blog writer
Relapse
It’s true
That tomorrow
Is a new day-
But I did it anyway
And tonight was just
Another discouraging end
To a cycle quotidien…
I once took comfort
In “begin again,”
Back when I wasn’t this sick
Of starting over.
-shb
If you relate to this poem, please keep reading.
The process of recovery from my eating disorder found me face-down in the depths of what I thought was defeat. My efforts towards health often felt like taking one step forward and two steps back: pointless, futile and frustrating. Relapse would send me into a downward spiral. The thought that “recovery is possible for others but not for me” became something that I firmly believed.
If you currently hold this belief, you must know that it’s a lie. Recovery is possible for you. But it’s not a straight line. It wasn’t until I embraced this notion that I was fully able to surrender to my recovery journey, a journey unique to me, just as your journey of recovery is unique to you.
Think of ED recovery like climbing a mountain. There is a path ahead of you- one that you must choose to set foot on. Friends, family members and therapists can walk this path alongside you but they can’t carry you. It is up to you to decide to reach the summit. On this path you will encounter excitement, exhilaration and beautiful views… but you may also encounter obstacles that will push you back down to what feels like rock bottom. In spite of this, you must trust that these challenges do not exist to defeat you. Instead, they exist to make you self-aware and strong. In the face of these setbacks, choose forgiveness and self-compassion over hopelessness and self-hatred and you WILL eventually reach the top of the mountain.
Relapse can be a disguised opportunity for growth. Get curious: what new information can your “slip ups” reveal about yourself? What might have led to or triggered the relapse? What aspects of yourself need to be comforted and cared for? The answer to these questions is important knowledge that you didn’t have yesterday! The discovery of this new information is a success!
A shift in perspective can turn setbacks into stepping stones. The pain of a relapse can offer you valuable information which, in turn, can be used to propel you in the direction of full recovery. You can and you will reach the top of the mountain!
Regardless of where you are on your path right now, know that you are exactly where you should be.
Know that you are never alone. Know that I believe in you. Know that there is no such thing as going backwards.
Sophie
By N. A. N., guest blogger
I was 13. I got into the car and was met by my eye avoidant, undemonstrative mother and two silent sisters, both of whom had long since moved away from home. I intuitively knew why I was there. I’d laid stiff while it happened beside me years prior. From that day on it was no longer a secret within a family, but made explicit that it was never to be spoken of again, to anyone. I went back to school as an altered version of myself—voiceless and alone—and threw up for the first time.
This was the start of food becoming my go to, my “best” (and only) friend. It gave me comfort and a degree of escape from the hell in my head. Only I couldn’t have guessed that day in the school bathroom that what I had done would gridlock me for decades. I was just trying to survive. Trauma and neglect would be the gateway to the mental illness that would hold me captive for almost 3 decades.
Throughout my decades of bulimia, my ability to develop authentic friendships and healthy intimate relationships was greatly compromised, despite having people all around me who wanted to get to know me. I felt peripheral everywhere, all the while keeping up a daily regimen of people-pleasing. Ironically, I desperately wanted to feel loved, to be heard and understood.
How could no one see tht I was actually dying for these connections? How did I manage such Oscar-winning performances year after year playing a resilient and positive woman who excelled at everything she did? I felt like a fraud.
Bulimia wasn’t making me more disciplined; it wasn’t giving me more control or the perfect body or life. Instead, I was emotionally drained and exhausted all…the…time. As ER trips increased and I lost my last natural tooth, I started to live in fear that I would die in my sleep and eventually, part of me hoped that I would. I hated food, but my mind kept me in a daily incarceration of planning it, finding it and filling the empty spaces with it.
Plans for recovery started a million times on a million Mondays, with varying degrees of success. I knew all the treatment options, all the lingo, yet decades of days were spent in “service” of bulimia, and of others, never myself. My eating disorder would often tell me it was just “too late”; “I broke too young”; “I couldn’t be fixed.”
But then one day, without ceremony, I stopped…
Was the recovery journey comfortable? No! For over a year, I was physically uncomfortable leaving food in my stomach. I felt panicked a lot of the time. Could I learn satiety or intuitive eating if I’d never experienced it? What would I do with the abundance of time I suddenly had?
To stay in recovery, I had to figure all of this out.
The development of personal spirituality, self-respect and creativity that it took to engage with my recovery—and the world around me—would eventually change my life.
Today, I haven’t purged in years. Though sometimes I grieve for my 13-year-old self: her years of missed relationships; missed memories that should have been with people instead of food; not having children; nor a healthy body made to laugh, move, love herself and love others.
However, now into my second life chapter, I am so grateful to my voice for leading me to freedom, to my body for finding a way to stay, and to my mind for finding a way to make it all meaningful.
Time, on its own, doesn’t necessarily heal…but people do! And the time to heal will always be now, and it will always be worth it.
