V.M.
This poem was inspired by my ongoing internal struggle of being stuck between my ED and longing for recovery. It’s a reminder to myself that I can do hard things and that, if I am willing to let go of the life raft (which is a metaphor for my ED describing how it simultaneously keeps me afloat, yet slowly drowns me) and reach for the ladder (recovery), freedom and a much more fulfilling life is waiting for me. Although letting go of my ED is terrifying, I need to trust in myself. Recovery is possible. This poem was written after multiple failed attempts to get back into recovery, following my most recent and prolonged relapse. While I'm still struggling to "let go of the life raft", thanks to the support of some incredible women, I'm closer than I've ever been to taking the leap of faith into recovery once again.
This poem is dedicated to Dr. Michelle Emmerling, Kalin Herbach and Vera Baraz, for being lighthouses in my life, gently guiding me to a safe harbour. It is also dedicated to everyone struggling with an ED, may you find peace and freedom soon.
Me Versus Myself
When?
Will you wake up and realize,
The years of your life
That you've wasted treading water
In the tumultuous seas of self hate?
As your exhausted body finally says
"fuck you"
Gives up
And starts to
d
r
o
w
n
Slowly sinking under
Heavy waters of despair
You hear a distant voice call out
Encouraging you to let go of the life raft
You've been desperately grasping onto
So tightly, for so long
Your hands are raw.
Trust.
And let go
Reach for the ladder
Swinging from the helicopter
Hovering above the violent seas
Of your insecurities
Waiting to rescue you -
From yourself.
It's truly the only way
If you would just trust yourself
To let go
For just one millisecond
And make that leap of faith
You could free yourself
From the tsunami of fears
The hurricanes of pain
That you keep self-inflicting
Upon your tired body and weary mind.
Yes, the unknown is terrifying,
And your unfounded insecurities
are quick to overwhelm
Yet, when will you realise, sister?
That everything you need:
The courage
The strength to let go
And break free
Was always inside of you
It's been there all along
You just have to believe
With your whole heart,
And trust in yourself:
Be Brave.
with a capital B.
You've got this, sister
So,
Let go.
Freedom is waiting for you
On the other side.
-V.M.