by guest blogger, J.C.
The number of healthcare professionals who didn't take my eating disorder seriously was frustrating, discouraging and often just another pain-point for my eating disorder to latch on to. I felt as though I was perceived as just another overly-dramatic, insecure woman trying to lose weight... Chasing the perceived “glamorous” lifestyle of celebrities on the tabloid covers.
“Glamourous” Example #1- “What do I smell?”, my mom said as she came into the basement where my bedroom was. “I dunno?”, I said from behind my closed bedroom door. I sat, barricaded in a corner by food wrappers, containers of partially digested food, grocery bags still full of food, not yet touched. Three big, black garbage bags were piled in my closet where full days worth of spat-out food and garbage already accumulated. Double-bagged and yet, the smell of the rotting food still filled the bottom floor of my parents’ house. I pretended I had no idea what she was talking about. Too ashamed to admit to anything and unsure of how to explain myself, I would wait until no one was home before sneaking the bags into my mom’s car, finding a public garbage can and dumping them without anyone noticing.
“Glamourous'' Example 2- I had planned on going to a movie with a friend and for the ten-thousandth time, I cancelled at the last minute. I was literally already in the theatre parking lot and cancelled via text, ten minutes before the movie started. I was too consumed by my eating disorder to do anything remotely positive. It was 11:30 pm and I felt tired, isolated and scared for my own well-being. I sat in my car outside of the movie theatre, with stacks of chewed and spat-out food next to me in random fast food containers. A fast food cup of my own urine sat in the cup holder because I was too immersed in my addiction to even go find a public washroom to use. The car stank, it was late and I felt both tired and sick. I was also another $100 in debt after engaging in only one hour of my behavior.
My eating disorder went through many phases of presenting symptoms. I could write an entire book describing these phases, detailing how they made me feel and how I recovered. However, for this post, I want to discuss a particular part of my journey that is seldom talked about... All I wanted as I was going through this part of my journey was to read something similar to what I’m currently sharing: To know that someone else understands the absolute hell of this specific behavior and that I wasn’t “extra crazy”. However, it was rarely talked about in treatment or on the internet or anywhere else, for that matter. I was doing things people wouldn't normally do, things I didn't want to be doing, things that were jeopardizing my health, finances, relationships and growth every single day. I wanted someone to know but was too ashamed to say “this is what I spend most of my time doing... Help me, please.”
I have had an unbelievable fear of vomiting ever since I was a child. As much as my eating disorder wanted me to, purging through vomiting was never a behavior for the first ten years of my life with an eating disorder. However, there was only so long I could engage in calorie restriction and obsessive exercise before my body's survival mode flooded my brain with an uncompromising urge to feast...In came the act of chewing my food and then spitting it out. This became my behavior of choice for about five years. My eating disorder saw it as a trick to make my brain think I had eaten when I hadn't. Obviously, that's not at all how it actually worked. After engaging in this behaviour, I would always feel nauseous, light-headed and craving more food. Not to mention absolutely exhausted. Considerable time was lost to this behavior, ignoring all other responsibilities and people for what ended up being years of my life. I never lost weight, nor did I ever feel better about myself. Instead, I felt hungover, depressed and sick. In fact, this behaviour left me in a far worse place than I could have ever imagined: Dental problems, trashed vehicles and the maxing out of a $20,000 credit card. Yet, these were the least of my problems. I had broken relationships with family and friends and a complex road to recovery ahead of me.
It took years of treatment, support groups, therapy, and personal growth to finally slow down and stop this behaviour. I can’t quite say which treatment helped me the most as I think I gained support and tools from all of them. The personal growth that was necessary in order to recover from this behavior allowed me to step outside of myself. I began to see exactly how I was hurting my body. This self-torture was not fair. I reached a point where I’d had enough. I knew that I deserved a better life. I understood and could feel that continuing this behavior was drastically holding me back in so many areas. Life was passing me by and I felt beaten down. Although the behaviour didn't come to a screeching halt all at once, it did slow down over time. Weaning myself off of the eating disorder felt like quitting an addictive drug. Recovery required a lot of patience and forgiveness. I used to swear that I was someone who could never get better… But I did. And so can you.
To anyone who finds themselves trapped in a similar type of hell or any version of mental or physical pain, I get it. I truly do. And you know what I’ve learned, now that I’m on the other side? We grow through what we go through. That’s the silver lining!
Do you feel a sense of hopelessness when it comes to eating disorder recovery? Silver Linings Foundation has a variety of resources and support groups to guide you through the process. Check out our free Video Resource Library and current support groups. Recovery is possible.