Surviving the Holidays with an Eating Disorder

By Adele Fox
Registered Psychologist
Silver Linings Board member and clinical advisor

For most people, the holiday season is a wonderful time of year. It is all about families, friends and coworkers reuniting, socializing and celebrating. Yet for those who suffer with eating disorders, often this can be the worst time of the year. For those trapped in the private hell of an eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, the holidays can magnify their personal struggles and cause them great internal pain and turmoil.

The overwhelming prevalence of food during the holiday season makes coping with an eating disorder extraordinarily difficult. Turn on the television and you are greeted by an advertisement for sumptuous Christmas fare; go to the supermarket and you are bombarded by brightly packaged goodies; go to a family gathering and you are offered food, food and more food. All of this is far from “merry”.

An alcoholic can avoid drinking situations. A compulsive gambler can avoid betting shops. But altogether avoiding eating and food is simply not possible. Therefore Christmas, with its preoccupation with feasting, often can invoke for those with eating disorders, overwhelming feelings of panic, anxiety, fear and even revulsion.

In addition to food excess, the holiday season is characterized by an increase in media advertisements promoting weight loss and other appearance-related motivations for entering the New Year. For someone with an eating disorder, this too can worsen symptoms.

Lastly, for many there may also be social pressure to eat with relatives or friends who do not know about their struggles with food, eating or body image, and who may unintentionally expose or criticize these struggles. The distress and anxiety provoked by this can be so severe as to cause tears, panic attacks, angry outbursts or total avoidance. Tension and arguments may also ensue.

So as you can see, Christmas is not a particularly “merry” time for those with eating disorders and their loved ones. However, we have some suggestions for managing and supporting the illness during the holiday season that we believe can reduce stress and increase peace of mind.

1) For someone struggling with an eating disorder

Be Proactive! The holiday is not a time to challenge yourself, but rather a time to embrace as much joy as possible by setting your environment up for success. Plan out when you will eat meals and snacks, what they will be and who will be present, as this will enable you to have as predictable and safe an experience as possible.

Prioritize. The holidays can be a whirlwind of parties, gift exchanges and visiting family and friends. This can add stress and compound what is already difficult. Scale back on events and obligations to give yourself time to relax and recharge.

Have an exit strategy so that if you become overwhelmed you can make an escape. Tell people you can not stay long as you have something to do or someone waiting for you or ask a trusted friend to call you at a certain time as a reason to step away. Try to avoid putting yourself in situations where you have no control over being able to take care of yourself.

Eat regularly. Do not starve yourself in anticipation of Christmas dinner or an event. This can lead to an increase in symptoms and stress. Eating 3 meals and 2-3 snacks a day will better enable you to manage your urges and supply your body with the proper fuel it needs.

Take a time out if having to eat at a buffet or family style (food in serving dishes on the table). When you sit down for a family style meal, review all the food options, unless you are able to find these out ahead of time, and then excuse yourself in order to breathe and visualize what you will choose for your plate. Similarly at a buffet, do a walkabout of the food table and then step back and consciously make your food selections. Fake a bathroom break if you need more time to plan! Remember that even though there are numerous food items to choose from, you do not have to choose them all.

Limit your alcohol intake. Alcohol can cause you to become disinhibited and lead to binging/purging behaviors and difficulties with managing your emotions. As well, you may find yourself being reluctant to eat because you believe that you have already consumed your calories in alcohol.

Take one or two food items that are safe for you if attending a house function, so that, worst case scenario, you will feel comfortable eating something. Another option is to plan to arrive at a function after the meal to simply partake in the after dinner component.

Most of all, do not let your eating disorder monopolize your holiday. Take the time to acknowledge all of the things around you that do put a smile on your face: a loved one’s bad singing voice, your friend’s crazy holiday sweater, lights on a tree or your co-worker’s antics at the office party!

2) For loved ones

Avoid talking about dieting and making weight/shape or appearance related comments. If you want to share a compliment, focus on non-appearance related traits: a person’s laugh, how their eyes light up when they smile or their great sense of humor or intelligence.

The holidays are not the time to cheerlead or challenge a loved who has an eating disorder. Doing so may only draw unwanted attention and cause added stress. If you are not sure what your loved one needs ask them. Saying “What do you need me to say or do that can help you with this?” is a great way to find out how to be supportive. If you think that a family member may not take well to this then reconsider inviting them.

If possible, serve meals in the kitchen so that there is not an abundance of food on the table. Also, ensure that you have a protein item that your loved one will eat. Serve fun foods (chocolates, candy, dessert items) at set times or lay these out for a limited time only then put them away or send them home with guests.

Take the focus off food and appearance. Board games, watching a movie, making a snowman and attending holiday events in the community can all take the focus off the stressors someone with an eating disorder is navigating.

Take care of yourself too! Make sure that you have support such as a therapist, a trusted friend, online support groups or literature on the recovery process. Loving someone who is struggling with an eating disorder can be exhausting and stressful.

3) Here is some additional information that can be helpful:

• How to celebrate the holidays while in treatment

• How to avoid binge eating during the holidays

• How to manage anxiety over the holidays

• How to survive loneliness over the holidays

With best holiday wishes. May you not only survive but thrive this holiday season!

A Raw Glimpse of an Eating Disorder

by guest blogger, J.C.

The number of healthcare professionals who didn't take my eating disorder seriously was frustrating, discouraging and often just another pain-point for my eating disorder to latch on to. I felt as though I was perceived as just another overly-dramatic, insecure woman trying to lose weight... Chasing the perceived “glamorous” lifestyle of celebrities on the tabloid covers.   

“Glamourous” Example #1- “What do I smell?”, my mom said as she came into the basement where my bedroom was. “I dunno?”, I said from behind my closed bedroom door. I sat, barricaded in a corner by food wrappers, containers of partially digested food, grocery bags still full of food, not yet touched. Three big, black garbage bags were piled in my closet where full days worth of spat-out food and garbage already accumulated. Double-bagged and yet, the smell of the rotting food still filled the bottom floor of my parents’ house. I pretended I had no idea what she was talking about. Too ashamed to admit to anything and unsure of how to explain myself, I would wait until no one was home before sneaking the bags into my mom’s car, finding a public garbage can and dumping them without anyone noticing. 

“Glamourous'' Example 2- I had planned on going to a movie with a friend and for the ten-thousandth time, I cancelled at the last minute. I was literally already in the theatre parking lot and cancelled via text, ten minutes before the movie started. I was too consumed by my eating disorder to do anything remotely positive. It was 11:30 pm and I felt tired, isolated and scared for my own well-being. I sat in my car outside of the movie theatre, with stacks of chewed and spat-out food next to me in random fast food containers. A fast food cup of my own urine sat in the cup holder because I was too immersed in my addiction to even go find a public washroom to use. The car stank, it was late and I felt both tired and sick. I was also another $100 in debt after engaging in only one hour of my behavior.

My eating disorder went through many phases of presenting symptoms. I could write an entire book describing these phases, detailing how they made me feel and how I recovered. However, for this post, I want to discuss a particular part of my journey that is seldom talked about... All I wanted as I was going through this part of my journey was to read something similar to what I’m currently sharing: To know that someone else understands the absolute hell of this specific behavior and that I wasn’t “extra crazy”. However, it was rarely talked about in treatment or on the internet or anywhere else, for that matter. I was doing things people wouldn't normally do, things I didn't want to be doing, things that were jeopardizing my health, finances, relationships and growth every single day. I wanted someone to know but was too ashamed to say “this is what I spend most of my time doing... Help me, please.”

I have had an unbelievable fear of vomiting ever since I was a child. As much as my eating disorder wanted me to, purging through vomiting was never a behavior for the first ten years of my life with an eating disorder. However, there was only so long I could engage in calorie restriction and obsessive exercise before my body's survival mode flooded my brain with an uncompromising urge to feast...In came the act of chewing my food and then spitting it out. This became my behavior of choice for about five years. My eating disorder saw it as a trick to make my brain think I had eaten when I hadn't. Obviously, that's not at all how it actually worked. After engaging in this behaviour, I would always feel nauseous, light-headed and craving more food. Not to mention absolutely exhausted. Considerable time was lost to this behavior, ignoring all other responsibilities and people for what ended up being years of my life. I never lost weight, nor did I ever feel better about myself. Instead, I felt hungover, depressed and sick. In fact, this behaviour left me in a far worse place than I could have ever imagined: Dental problems, trashed vehicles and the maxing out of a $20,000 credit card. Yet, these were the least of my problems. I had broken relationships with family and friends and a complex road to recovery ahead of me.  

It took years of treatment, support groups, therapy, and personal growth to finally slow down and stop this behaviour. I can’t quite say which treatment helped me the most as I think I gained support and tools from all of them. The personal growth that was necessary in order to recover from this behavior allowed me to step outside of myself. I began to see exactly how I was hurting my body. This self-torture was not fair. I reached a point where I’d had enough. I knew that I deserved a better life. I understood and could feel that continuing this behavior was drastically holding me back in so many areas. Life was passing me by and I felt beaten down. Although the behaviour didn't come to a screeching halt all at once, it did slow down over time. Weaning myself off of the eating disorder felt like quitting an addictive drug. Recovery required a lot of patience and forgiveness. I used to swear that I was someone who could never get better… But I did. And so can you. 

To anyone who finds themselves trapped in a similar type of hell or any version of mental or physical pain, I get it. I truly do. And you know what I’ve learned, now that I’m on the other side? We grow through what we go through. That’s the silver lining!

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Do you feel a sense of hopelessness when it comes to eating disorder recovery? Silver Linings Foundation has a variety of resources and support groups to guide you through the process. Check out our free Video Resource Library and current support groups. Recovery is possible.

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“The Trees”

By guest blogger, Sonja F. 

Highway drives through forest and brush used to bore me. Now, views once met with an anywhere-but-in-the-moment/“I can’t wait until we get there” attitude are met with my eyes peeled, darting from stem to stem, analyzing, absorbing and experiencing…Are they straight or tilted, thick or thin, condensed or sparse? How do they fit into their surroundings, and what do they look like compared to their neighbours? What is their appendage composition? Are they long and thin, thick and wavy, lush or fallen?

I’m talking, of course, about The Trees.  

Did you know that The Trees were here before you, are here now, and will be here long after you? Well, there was a time that I certainly didn’t consider this. I was too consumed with my suffering. I never thought of the beings with whom I shared an imperative, oxygen/carbon dioxide exchange with. I walked alongside them- these green beauties, these life-sources- with my eyes to the earth, rolling the past and future over in my head. Me me me.

Living with an eating disorder will do that… Take away the ability to be even the slightest bit outside of yourself. Sure, I’d experienced beauty: Sunsets, rainbows, and breathtaking scenery… Yet, where was I?  I would look at a mountain range and only think of how I wished my thigh gap was wider. A white sand beach would incite disordered mind-fucks such as “I should try harder to lose weight so I look better in my bikini.” Ironically, when I sat in a car for hours on end, it felt as if my self-destructive, eating disorder riddled thoughts matched the number of trees I passed by. The trees were there, almost as if they were humbly waiting to be recognized, but I never saw them. 

A Douglas Fir was the first tree I truly saw.  I was walking through Stanley Park with a good friend, and we stopped at a three hundred year old Douglas Fir.  This tree was spectacular. Her base was four meters in diameter and, while her top had fallen during a windstorm, she still stood proud and gentle. I had walked past her many times and I wondered if she recognized me. Was she glad to see me? Beautiful slabs of bark in dark, brown striations, year-round needles of a rich, green hue, and protective branches that reached out parallel to the forest floor. She was a massive work of art and towered high above all else. A kind of emmensity that, if the stars aligned, could fall and kill anyone in an instant. A type of power that demands respect. When I noticed this Douglas Fir, I started to notice other trees. Next came the Hemlock, Spruce, Ash, Cedar and Birch. I love the leaves of an Oak, the majestic nature of a Maple, and the shiny leaves of a Poplar as they sparkle in the wind. If you ever have the pleasure of seeing a Catulpa in spring, be sure to stop and absorb its unparalleled radiance.  

Recovery from an eating disorder will do that… Open your eyes to the experiences, environment, and beauty in the nature around you. Recovery will give you an opportunity to sit in stillness... To enjoy and interact with life’s simple pleasures. Strolling alongside the trees and identifying them by genus is a fun hobby that very much fulfills me.  However, what’s even more rewarding is driving down an old street I haven’t been down in years and looking at the trees- seeing them, as if for the first time. And, while they were always there, I now have the freedom to focus on them and not my pain. What a beautiful change of pace. Tree tree tree.  

Breathing Underwater

by Heather Hendrie, guest blogger  

“Is this my life? Or am I breathing underwater?”

~Metric

Despite my early life as a competitive swimmer and lifeguard, I didn’t realize I was drowning until it was too late. I developed anorexia at age fourteen and the disease held me hostage until I finally found my way out. Here's a hot tip on how I made it through, darlings: It sure wasn’t through trying harder. 

The eating disorder arose through the perfect storm. By perfect, I mean a rare combination of adverse events that hit me all at once: I got my period, I noticed a cute guy, my supposed “bestie” started to bully, and then worst of all, ignored me... And, underlying it all, I’m a woman who’s grown up in a patriarchy. The end result was that I got very sick for a very long time.

I lost the plot after swimming the best race of my life- A race that qualified me for the provincial championships. Shortly before that, I had begun to moderately restrict my diet… However, I didn’t realize I’d gone off the deep end until I was well and truly drowning. After that race I decided I’d achieved my objectives and I could stop starving myself, except that…I couldn’t. I can’t tell you how scary that feeling was. It is something that can only be understood if you’ve found yourself trapped in an addiction. My attempts to control took over. It was as if I’d successfully leashed the monster under my bed until it started to drag me through the streets on my face. I couldn’t free myself from the leash, no matter my road rash.

Before this happened, I was involved in what I thought was merely a harmless experiment to manipulate my body and athletic performance. I actually felt excited when a speaker came to us in Grade 6 to talk about her experience of anorexia. I left her presentation with the take-home message of “Cool! There’s a disease that makes you skinny!”. 

Clearly, this was not the intent of her presentation, and the fact that I took away what I did highlights that there is something very wrong with our society. I grew up in the era of Kate Moss emaciation/heroin-chic. And did I mention I live in a patriarchy? The speaker certainly did not point out that eating disorders are amongst the most lethal of mental health conditions.

Prior to that presentation, I hadn’t thought much about what my body looked like. I was delighted with my athleticism and my energetic, strong, pre-pubescent body. However, I had clearly and unconsciously swallowed some of the toxic messaging in my environs, privileging “slim” women. Or, it could have been that when my breasts began to bud, I freaked out and decided I didn’t want to become a woman at all. Who would want to be a woman in a world where men have all the power?

That being said, it has never resonated with me when people suggest that eating disorders are simply about food or body image. In my experience,  it wasn’t like that. Yes, my body image became distorted, but that was a symptom, not the cause. It was only once I got very sick that fat became scary. I was well below my healthy weight when an unrecognizable and grotesque figure returned my horrified gaze from the mirror. The reality was that I was slowly and methodically taking up less and less space. I was ceasing to exist. Anorexia pulled me under because I had no clue how else to manage my pain. The eating disorder  was the maladaptive way I tried to love and soothe myself. It didn’t work. Things got really hard. So I tried harder. And darlings, as you know, trying harder didn’t work at all.

It was terrifying. I was always scared and always cold. I shivered uncontrollably at 5am on the hard tile of the swimming pool deck. The smallest of sounds hit me like a hammer. Tiny, downy hairs sprouted over my back and face in a final bid to keep me warm. Though I kept striving harder, I was losing muscle by the minute and couldn’t swim like I used to.

Nights were the hardest.

In daylight, I’d learned to override my needs, yet, at night, I was too tired to resist. My eyes wide, I remember lying in bed, starving, thinking only of the cookie jar. Laying as still as possible, I squeezed my eyes shut, praying and begging for the salvation of sleep that wouldn’t come. I couldn't stop thinking about the cookies. I dragged my exhausted bones from bed and padded down the hall, pressing myself against the wall by my parents’ bedroom to avoid the one creaky stair. In the darkness of the kitchen, I quietly lifted the glass lid to sneak just one cookie from the jar. Then I needed another. And another. Eventually my thoughts shut down completely as I shovelled cookies into my mouth faster and faster, ignoring the ache of my bloated stomach. All the cookies were gone, yet I still felt empty. 

Dad arrived at 3am and flicked on the switch, flooding the darkness with light. He didn’t say a word as I stood in the spotlight, gulping desperately from the mouth of the maple syrup bottle. He just stood there lovingly, held out his hand, and gently led me back to bed. 

Tonight, a dear friend (also named Heather) lies in a hospital bed, fighting the same demons I once did. Visiting hours are over and it’s dark out. But still, I can write her this letter. I reflect on how easily this could also read as a message to my own younger, sweet and suffering self:

 ~

Dearest Heather,

You’re not alone right now, ok?

I know it feels that way because as you know, I’ve been there too. Here’s what I have to tell you from over here on the other side. I am well now. I don’t mean that I’m “in recovery”, or that I eat healthy meals. I mean that I am well. I mean that when I’m in pain, I can handle just feeling it. I mean that when I feel good, I can just feel good. I mean that I love myself and I know how to show up for myself in new and better ways.

Heather, I bet it feels like you’re drowning right now. That’s what it was like for me. I could barely breathe. I clutched desperately at anything that might help me feel ok for just a single second. I don’t have to do that anymore, because finally, one day, I surrendered. I stopped trying and just…learned how to float. I am safely on shore now, Heather, and from here I can keep my eye on you.

 I see you sweetheart. You’re not alone. I’m not going anywhere. I promise you that.

Love,

Heather

~

If you currently resonate with the themes and sentiments within Heather’s story, know that you are not alone. Help is available. Registration is currently open for our virtual support groups. Click here to register.

~ 

Heather Hendrie is a wilderness therapist, outdoor guide, environmental and social justice crusader, an aunt, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend and a lover of nature. She walks with folks in the woods every day both in person and virtually through her private practice in clinical mental health counselling- True Nature Wilderness Therapy. Heather is also a freelance writer and maintains a blog of her own.

You can follow Heather’s journey on Instagram at@truenaturewildernesstherapy and@heather.hendrie

Staying on Track in Recovery When It Feels as if the World Is Falling Apart

Benazir Radmanesh, Silver Linings blogger

These days, it feels like the news is a constant cycle of negativity. The grief and struggle in the world right now is palpable: The ongoing pandemic, the horrifying discovery at former residential schools, racial inequality, massive heat waves across western North America…

It’s a lot to take in and especially difficult for those experiencing their own struggles in the midst of a world that, at times, feels almost broken.

For me, eating disorder behaviours were once an escape from the chaos I felt surrounded by. Amidst the anxiety of what felt like an out of control world, my eating disorder was a portal to manage the two things I felt I could: My body and food. 

Even after four years of sustained recovery, when life begins to feel out of control the old urges to focus on my weight and shape try to pop back up. 

Now, rather than acting on these thoughts, they remind me that what I’m really craving is a sense of comfort, security and order. Here are some ways that help me feel grounded and less prone to defaulting to old coping mechanisms when life feels a little too much:

1. Find genuine sources of comfort

To me, food used to serve as both a source of comfort and distress. I would numb myself with food and exercise, falsely believing that this provided me with security. In recovery, I have had to find healthy sources of comfort to replace these unhealthy coping patterns. I encourage you to take some time to reflect on what this could look like for you. It could be something such as taking a bath, spending time with a pet, curling up in your favourite cozy clothes and watching a movie you’ve seen a thousand times. It’s important to identify which healthy practises feel safe and comfortable to you, and remembering to access them when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

2.  Focus on what’s going right

Often, when we’re caught in a cycle of fear or anxiety, it can feel like everything is going

wrong. Make a practice of taking a couple of minutes each evening to review everything that went right during the day! These could be small things like talking to a friend, doing a couple hours of work/studying, or completing your grocery shopping. Review your day and think of five things that you’re grateful for. Oftentimes, focusing on the little things, even as small as having warm water for a shower, helps bring us back to the moment and can lessen feelings of overwhelm. 

3. Get outside!

I can’t stress enough how important nature has been throughout my recovery. Nature, to me, is the ultimate tool to ground myself. Witnessing a breathtaking sunset, squirrels playing on the power lines, or the feeling of the wind ruffling my hair reminds me of the things that are going right in the world. Seeing the beautiful mist rising over the little pond behind my house while I was walking before work the other morning was enough to give me a sense of serenity and peacefulness, despite all the negative news we’ve been inundated with recently. 

It’s important to remember that your number one priority amidst the ups and downs of life is your own health and recovery. Like they say in airplane safety briefings before take-off: You must put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. 

Take a moment for you today, away from the noise of the world, to prioritise your health and well-being ☺︎.

“I Know What You’re Going Through”: Peer Mentor Support in Eating Disorder Recovery

By Sophie Balisky, Silver Linings Blogger 

Having an eating disorder can be lonely.

When recovery feels most challenging, it’s important to feel supported. Forms of support may come from our therapists, family members and friends…

However, despite these amazing support systems, recovery might call for someone who truly gets it. 

There are few connections more mutually healing than those of shared life-experience. It is for this reason that peer mentor support in eating disorder (ED) recovery is so incredibly effective.

An ED peer mentor is: 

 ❥ A carefully trained volunteer with lived-experience

 ❥ An ally

 ❥ A recovery cheerleader

 ❥ A listening ear

 ❥ An understanding support system

 ❥ A friend 

 ❥ Living proof that recovery from an eating disorder is possible!

An ED peer mentor will:

 ❥ Receive thorough training and be supervised in their mentorship by an ED therapist

 ❥ Communicate with mentees (individuals being mentored) on a weekly basis through text, email, video and phone calls (depending on communication preferences established)

 ❥ Create a safe space for their mentees to be heard 

 ❥ Provide empathy and understanding, free of judgement 

 ❥ Act as a “recovery buddy” to mentees

 ❥ Provide support to mentees between therapy sessions

 ❥ Answer mentee’s questions from the “other side” of recovery, providing hope that recovery from an eating disorder is possible

How is the role of a peer mentor different from the role of a therapist?: 

 Think of ED recovery like a forest- A therapist guides the mentee to navigate the path of recovery, the mentee walks the path and the peer mentor walks alongside, providing encouragement and connection along the way. 

A peer mentor says:

 “I’ve been here before. I’ve walked in your shoes and I remember what it’s like. You’re not alone in this. Furthermore, you can get through it...because I did. I’m walking this path alongside you. You can do this.” 

Have you recovered from an eating disorder? Does becoming a peer mentor interest you? 

Silver Linings Foundation is currently accepting applications for our premier Peer Mentor Support Team. Please apply here.

Are you currently in recovery and interested in working with a mentor? Reach out to us and let us know! In the meantime, hold tight. Our soon-to-be Peer Mentor Team is so excited to support you.