By Marcela Herreros
I was recently asked “What helps you push through and keep going?”. I stopped and looked at this person. Knowing that I wanted to be incredibly honest, I said “I don’t know.”. I’ve thought about this question numerous times. The response of “I have to” has always been what I felt was right to say. Now, I think I’ve realised that it’s actually quite a complex question. Looking back, my answer would depend on what step I was on- Which stage in my recovery, in my journey, or in my rebirth.
I did what I had to in order to keep out of the hospital and not ruffle more feathers. Gosh, was that hard. To go through with the process of recovery physically, yet not being genuinely a part of it in an important and meaningful way was so difficult and a hurtful thing to do to myself. Doing what I felt was right cost me more than I thought my honesty would. I lost relationships. I lost time. I lost myself. Of course, being a good mother, partner and person plays a vital role in who I’m becoming… But that’s the thing- I’m learning that I’m more than those things. And, in turn, my needs and my voice are just as important as my kids’, my partner’s and anyone else’s.
I’ve learned that each step forward no matter how big or small is a win. Each step is a chance to be me- To learn to love who I am, who I was and who I’m becoming. Each stepping stone, including the “worst parts” are a part of me, my journey and my story. People have continuously challenged, questioned and have tried to diminish the progress, transformation, and steps I’ve taken. And, unfortunately, I’ve allowed it. I am now learning that they don’t have the right to that power. They don’t know the leaps forward and falls backward that I’ve encountered along the way. They don’t need to.
My worth, OUR WORTH, is exactly that-OURS. The road may be hard and rocky. We may feel chained back in so many ways but there’s a light- A light inside us that deserves to be fought for. A light that we’ve earned. A light that needs to shine bright again. Let’s be honest- There are days that will be hard, times that will try to push us back, and people that aren’t really our people. But those steps (even the smaller ones) are growth and something to remember on dark days. What keeps pushing me through? I don’t know. But I do know that I’m lucky to be here and I will continue to walk this path and be present with myself and anyone else on a similar journey.
Recovery from an eating disorder is not linear and ups and downs are a normal part of the process. If you resonate with Marcela’s story you are not alone. We offer a number of resources to support you on your journey. Click here to learn more.