All My Pieces
By Marcela Herreros
“Smile more. Just don’t look at the negative. Omg, it’s been long enough, just get over it. It’s a teenager’s disease. You’re so dramatic. Yeah, yeah, bad things have happened to you. You don’t say thank you enough. There are people out there that have real problems. You’re too much.”
All things people like to say instead of listening.
Why are they constantly trying to fix me? Why was I never good enough? Why did I have to mask my thoughts, feelings, and pain? Why does the real me feel like all things that are wrong?
I’m trying really hard to be better. I’m trying to not make anyone mad. I’m trying to make sure I’m not too much for anyone. I’m sorry I’m loud. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. I’m sorry I’m not what you need or what you want. I’m sorry I’m sick. I’m sorry that the journey I thought would be healing is instead causing anger and annoyance in others. I’m sorry that this journey has broken me more than I ever have before. I’m sorry I’m not who you wanted me to be or even who I wanted to be.
Most of all… I’m sorry that I let the little girl I once was believe those that told her who to be, how to act, and how to hide. I’m sorry I let her think silence was better than speaking. I’m sorry for all those times she cried alone. I’m sorry I was hurting her with the need for perfection. I’m sorry that I taught her to hate her body, her mind, and herself. I think of who she would be if only I had loved her enough to teach her differently. I think about how I wish she had never believed that safety meant it was best if she sat alone.
To You, Little One
By Marcela Herreros
I’m sorry to the girl you could have been. I’m sorry for not giving you the chance to believe you were good. I’m sorry you couldn’t be the girl you pretended to be. I’m sorry you had to grow up so quickly and had to care for the ones that were supposed to care for you. I’m sorry for the role you believed you had to take and had to be. I’m sorry for thinking you were weak and never allowing you to be the child that you were. I’m sorry for allowing you to think your body was what determined your worth. I’m sorry that the people you trusted were the ones to ruin the innocence that you deserved to keep. I’m sorry you never had space to feel what you needed to feel. I’m sorry that as the years went by you had to hide who you were, who you wanted to be, who you had hoped to become. I’m sorry you had to struggle to hide the real you because others were uncomfortable. I’m sorry you grew up to believe you are unloveable, unworthy, unimportant. I’m sorry you grew up to be me.
Take My Hand
By Marcela Herreros
Do I want them to know who I am? Do I want them to know how damaged I feel? Do I tear down some walls in hopes that maybe, just maybe, there’ll be a hand to hold? Maybe that hand is to help me… Maybe it’s the hand of someone who just needs to know they are not alone. I can’t say that I wish I could say and tell everyone how there is so much hidden behind these walls- The attitude, the pain and guilt. I still worry about judgement. So many days, weeks, years I’ve hidden who I am, who I want to be, who I wish people could accept. Yes, my name belongs there. I’m tired of hiding who I am. I had so badly wanted a hand to hold and at least, now, I can offer mine to those who have to battle themselves constantly. I’m Marcela.
Silver Linings Foundation is Alberta’s eating disorder resource, dedicated to advocacy and recovery. Our team are experts in the field of youth and adult mental health.
We offer online and in-person programs for teenagers and adults in eating disorder recovery as well as support for parents and loved ones caring for someone with an eating disorder. Check them out here.